Friday, December 13, 2013

How are you feeling, dear friend?


10.11.12.13 你们注册的时刻那么好记

谢谢你在那么多年后又回到我的人生。像我曾经分享过的Brandi Carlile一首歌曲里,那句“You are my friend again…”总是让我想起我们两个。

昨晚,躺在床上,老公身边,我分享到(或者有点训话的调调):

“嘿,如果她结婚,你也会很开心吗?

“那你们真的应该坐下来,打开来说。

“打开什么?打开心房。打开天窗说亮话啊!从一切怎么开始的。问为什么。说你先在想些什么。

为什么我那么鸡婆,要去训话呢?因为我们两个人的经历,让我觉得和自己那么欣赏那么喜欢的人继续联络继续分享生活的点滴是那么美好的是。也许在和彼此相处的、联系的那么短暂的时光里,也总是可以再“探望”某一部分渐渐淡忘的自己。

我记得你美丽的字迹。非常好看。我记得你总是能写很多很多。我记得我愿意分享很多我的困惑,而你总是鼓励。

Forward很多年,我们没有联系的很多年。我从传播系毕业,我做了兼职广播员,我不止恋爱还和初恋情人经历了许多许多,也结婚了。再见的时刻,我记得我很坦然。我觉得许许多多的日与夜过去以后,我们回到了最初认识、喜欢和这个人做朋友的心态。我没有预料到的是,我忘了很多,你还记得一些。你还有问题没有问,原来。

你问:为什么当时会唱这首歌给我听?说真的,没有别的意思,就这首歌很好听,想起你,就唱了。

你没有问:为什么当时以回避的方式拒绝我?老实说,真正的答案,我都不知道。硬要说一个,就是,我怕。怕距离的美会因为靠近而失去。

是我问得少?还是我说得太多?还是我们有太多来不及catch up?我不知道,不过我听说,没有见面或联系的几年里,你恋爱了。在我们重逢时,你似乎是为了家人和喜欢的人回到东南亚的,不过和喜欢的人之间距离没有变近。昨天你说,那一段我们在同一岛国生活的日子,我鼓励了你。不只你一个,我至少还有一个朋友,我知道你和他都是非常痴情的人,只是这条路走得比较颠簸。

他结婚了。你也结婚了。我也结婚了。我们像从一条无尽的孤独的小路不停不停走着,终于在这条小路的尽头,伸手怀抱另一个人,继续往前走下去。从此,路再烂,风景再漂亮,我们可以选择静静一个人欣赏,也可以把所有的饱满的心情带回去再和ta分享。

除了那个我鄙视的烂人之外,我和我喜欢过和喜欢过我的人,好多好多,我们都还联系。有的还是很重要很重要的朋友。应该,应该是这样的,在朋友和情人这样非黑即白的分类中,其实有很多朋友靠近家人这一边,有很多朋友(不一定要喜欢过对方)你会把他们当非常亲密非常安心非常珍惜非常想要拽在怀里的xx。不知道要称他们做什么。只知道,当ta伸手环抱ta的爱人一起继续往前走之时,心中满满地为他们感到快乐。我默默期望自己在未来的很多很多年里还继续在你的人生的某个边边或某个角落,看你,或陪你和你的伴侣经历下来的精彩。

感谢你。也感谢我其他的xx。非常非常棒的这些灵魂,谢谢你们在我的人生里,谢谢你们让我参与你们的人生。非常爱你。

默默等待我珍爱的xx,找到爱人。而我将不停不停再经历这样的快乐。祝福我自己一直不停不停经历这样的快乐。不停不停。





Friday, September 13, 2013

A letter to you

To dear you,

This is a letter to you. But I am not courageous enough to send it to you, coz I scare that you will dislike me a little if I did.
I have not been telling people what you should do and what you shouldn't do for the longest time in my life. At least that's how I see it. And I don't want to tell you what you should or should not do. Coz I treat you as a mature adult. I believe you are the one and only in the world, who can make decision for yourself for your best interest with your best ability based on the best understanding of your own situation. No one else, but you.
So let me tell you what I didn't do.
Each of us spend some time as a financially poor student because we are not son or daughter of a millionaire. We know how our dad has not spent anything on himself other than a few cans of beer occasionally (and I think he drinks less now to stay in green zone of his blood sugar level control). How our mum be very economically efficient with all her purchases for the family.
And here's what I do, here, in Aus. I liked a bag which sells at $39.99 months ago. I told husband, "when it's 50% off, I will buy it". I saw it on 50% off today, I didn't buy it. My last purchase of a bag, 2 years ago, when I started my new job back then, and don't have a right-looking bag for my OL dress code job.
My Nokia which has served me since 2009. It doesn't work as a functional phone for me anymore coz with its 3G on, it dies within few hours. An LG L3 which costs me just $69, I can't bear to buy it. I couldn't answer if I need a smart phone or I like to have a smart phone. Or why not $20 bag to pamper myself but spend $50 extra for sth else.
Not even a 2 for $10 travel mug for coffee. Though I really love to bring my homemade coffee out.
I probably treat myself too badly.
We all have different phases of life. We all need to learn through spending money the not-so-well-way. And I hope you learn it too, someday.
I love you too much to not say anything. At the same time, I respect you too much to tell you what you should or should not do.
Do your best, always. Just like everyone else in our family. We are great kids, the older we are, the better we are. We can't help it. We are great in gene.
I love you. Stay happy. Stay positive. Keep growing, dear.

Sis
0:03 14 Sept

Friday, July 12, 2013

我找工作的日子结束了

来到这里因为运气好
在一个月后得到一份兼职工作
一周12-14个小时的侍应生工作
除了钱之外,更好的是
老板是个很大方的人,也很关心我和老公找工作的进展
同事rhonda虽然年纪没有比我妈妈年轻太多,却是一个非常独立又体贴的人
她会记得我跟她说的小事,然后祝福我面试成功等等的
我真的是个幸运的人(如我妈所说)

感谢妈妈

三周前,我得到了第二份工作 -casual work (临工)
是在140几个国家开店的大公司从最低做起
擦桌子、擦厕所的镜子洗手盆烘干机、炸薯条、抹地板、在柜台接受点餐和收钱

说到这里,先说一个小理论
FISH philosophy: Be there - Make Someone's Day - Play - Choose Your Attitude
这是以前上workshop是听过的
最近上induction(培训) 时有遇到
简单来说,算是服务业的一种精神,不过其实也可以用在生活方方面面

噢,所以说会我的第二份工作
因为不喜欢公司买的产品
可是我总是能够说服自己去努力做好
比如,擦桌子的时候在脑里对自己说:因为我在这里工作,下一个顾客有更干净的桌子可用
因为我在这里工作,点餐的顾客看到的是一个微笑着亲切的女孩

上个星期因为正式开始两份工作
一周工作]时数突破24个小时
其实很开心,我真觉得是个大突破

而下周,第三份工作,也就是在新开的超级市场
做体力的工作吧(具体内容做了才知道)

是我写这篇部落格的原因

我发现新公司的store manager就是本新超市最大最大的人
真的有在做FISH
他在induction那天,看到我没有椅子,在房间的斜对角的他大喊:i told you to bring your own chair, Vinn. hahaha
昨天他打来通知我星期一9点上班,他说,we gonna have so fun on Monday!
还有,担任HR的她,每一次交流,她的眼神都很intense
我非常希望,我能为我在超市的团队注入更好的element (元素)
从这家公司学到待人处事的一种更direct & energetic的能量

昨天,下意识地把一直装着各种和寻找工作有关的文件夹整理了一下
因为我接下来要认真对待每一份好不容易得到的工作

Sunday, July 07, 2013

大家都怕了苦日子

大家都怕了苦日子


我不怕

离开以后的日子
尝试和做着从前没有想过的工作
遇见和了解从前没有接触过的人

一点一点
让我变得更好

一点一点让我知道
更多苦
更多等候
更多疑问
我能面对

尤其有你的支持

Sunday, June 30, 2013

来Dubbo对自己有益的n件事


1. 在外,第一次有自己的house,住得像一个家
1. away from home, i stay in a house that for the first time feel like a home

 2. 伦开始弹uke&唱歌
2. Loon started playing music

 3. 在河边散步成为生活一部分
3. have a stroll by the river becomes a part of life

 4. 尝试过去的自己想象不到的工作
4. working works that are unimaginable for the past me 

 5. 开车去上班&图书馆
5. driving to work & library

6.  白天自然亮起来的房子,有小花园,很多花,番茄可以收割,花开了满树,马铃薯和青椒发芽
6. daylight brights up the house naturally, small yard with lots of flowers, tomatoes for harvest, a blossoming tree, potatoes & green pepper sprouting


 7. 为彼此剪头发
7. be the hairdresser for each other

 8. 时薪高
8. high hourly pay
(图为妈妈给的硬币,她20几年前没有完的)

 9. 新朋友、新体验
9. new friends, new experience - camp fire, butlers falls, jude's gathering

10.  一起经历低潮的日子
10. hands in hands, walking through the toughest time of life



Saturday, June 08, 2013

random bits & pieces of life in Dubbo

头发
听说这里的理发师,水平参差。无论如何,以前都是会家附近的店剪头发的。来了这里以后,一是不必要,二是节省。刘海都是老公修。其它部分,绑起来就是了。刘海遮盖眉毛,我都懒得去修。
Hairstyle
Rumour has that hairstylists here aren't very reliable. Anyway, in the past I had my hair cut in my neighbourhood shops. Since arriving here, first it was unnecessary to, second to save money, my fringe has been trimmed by Loon. Rest of my hair just simply get tied together. My fringe covers my eyebrows. So it is perfect for a lazy person who is too busy to  trim her eyebrows

 

美丽
我有个我觉得很漂亮的表姐。心情最好的时候就是老公看着表姐的照片说,我觉得你比较漂亮 :)
Beauty 
I have a cousin whom I find very beautiful. One of the happiest moment was when Loon looking at my cousin's photo and said, I think you are more beautiful :)


长龙
在dubbo要排长龙很难哦。因为人口很少,很少 :)
Long queue
Queue can hardly be long in Dubbo as there are really not that many people to queue in the first place.

融入
今天去到义工活动,我是唯一的“老外”。上次去dubbo young professional network,我和老公样子看起来最“老外”。还有不少场合,我们看起来都“鹤立鸡群”呀。其实我们以少数族群身份出现的场合,心里面可能都默默骄傲了两下。快来认识我们吧!让你们面对自己的无知!
Assimilate
During the volunteer event this morning, I was the only "angmoh". When we were attending dubbo young professional network event, Loon and I looked most "angmoh" there. And in many occasions, we looked different from the others. Actually, when we were the minority in places, I secretly felt proud of us. I want people to know about us, to come face to face with what they didn't know they know nothing about.

Thursday, June 06, 2013

1

Morning started well. I finally got up before 10am. Loon was in the midst of making pancakes, using egg-pan (a present from a best friend) this time. He was having fun.

I sit by the heater, open and started flipping through and reading the book "self-promotion for introverts". It is about being introverts and public speaking. Maybe because I read "the power of introverts" previously, this book doesn't interest me much. However, I like the part on how the author prepares for her own public speaking & even posing a simple question to high profile individuals. Prepare, research, framework, WIIFM, rehearse etc...


I remembered my lousiest time of presenting was when I had a session with a class of abt 20-30 ppl. This was probably the 2nd session of a series of four. The teacher who was bringing me to her classroom asked me where was my laptop? She said, I saw you bring your own last time. Crap. I brought goodies, stationeries, and everything but my laptop. And I had not email my slides to myself. I had put it into thumb-drive but didn't bring my thumb-drive which was in my laptop bag. OH GREAT!

What happened later was that luckily I printed hard copies for teacher and myself. So I used the projector to project my slides, and did the same whole sharing exact same way, except the beginning. I greeted the class, told them what I did (not do) today hence they would  have a more primitive version of slides. The sharing went alright.

Other than a few animated move of my slides were missing. The slides were in black and white only. I was still as good as I could be. And I believed one or a few of the students were happy that they not only skipped listening to their teacher for a period, but got to know "The Little Prince" a little bit more.

Looking back, I thought things could be worse, if I forgot to bring hard copies or the teacher showed her disappointment on face. Yet, probably because I had went through terrible radio hosting hours previously. I survived this time.

Like author Nancy Ancowitz said, "because even with the best preparation, things often don't go as planned, so we need to be flexible, expect a few surprises - from ourselves, others, and our circumstances - and project confidence, no matter what happens".

I would simply put it. Things do go wrong. Accept the imperfection. Move on.

Wednesday, June 05, 2013

2

topic of today finally falls on him - my husband

loon did a very sweet thing just now
i asked him to come sit with me, when i was at the sofa, he was in front of his computer
he responded by suggesting 开车去走走?
then in our driving, he asked, why asked me to sit beside you just now? wanna said sth?
then i shared how i felt recently.
....

when we were back to home again, he asked, feeling better? i did.
that's very very sweet

target for tmr = wake up at 8.30am


Tuesday, June 04, 2013

3

一直认为自己是一个极少做自己不愿意做的事的人
工作上有这样的情况出现
i make sure that they know 我不想不愿不要不爽

今天当她问我why you want to work at here
我先是一愣
然后回答 to be honest, i need to pay my bills

我被我自己正在做的事一惊
接下来的问答应该都很正常

回来后的我很不正常
我在想,为什么都要是服务生,我对这份工作却排斥?
因为她问的问题让我觉得她对我的人格不感兴趣?
因为我不喜欢这个品牌对社会的影响?

昨天,澳洲按物价涨幅(inflation rate)提高了最低薪金百分之二点五到$662.2/week
我昨天想法是 - 662 真的不低了
我今天的想法是 - 有一群人在为领着最低薪金的1.5百万个陌生人口发声,真好
不过,这群人是怎么知道这1.5百万人过得好不好?有多好?

像今天这种时刻,我总会想起松蒲米太郎在路边摆摊卖美国带回来的艺术杂志
并且继续天天到工地打工,只是因为不愿意为了活口而贱卖自己喜欢的杂志
他说,无论什么时候,希望自己不会忘记社会最底层的人
从他们的角度看这个社会

今天的面试,让我更接近零最低薪金的社会底层的人的心情
上司或顾客不会在乎你爱看张爱玲还是九把刀
不会问你你今天好吗?
只在乎你把垃圾都清理了吗?
你把地板都打扫干净了吗?

请我要成为我想要成为的人,并一起为此继续努力,你说

Monday, June 03, 2013

4

4 - a day in a jobless lady's life

10 am + wake up. as it is a cold morning, flowers dont open. i boil water. i heat up milk. have cereals & bread with jam.

writing a brand new cover letter for job application at non profit organisation. customising a new resume. till 2pm.

meanwhile, wonderful cook in the house have completed his resume & cover letter, and also made wonderful lunch - pumpkin rice (signature dish!)

2pm ++ we trim each other's hairs in the garden. it is fun. and i cant help but laughing a lot. it is rare for couple being so close and not kissing or hugging, instead we are trimming each other's hairs. real fun. recommend couple to try :)

watched recorded movie on TV alone while husband killing enemies in front of his computer.

6pm husband was cooking dinner, lamb chop ~ and delicious pumpkin rice once more ~

boil water for drinking again coz night is cold cold cold. reading book. checking & replying email & whatsapp. reading news online. and felt like it's an obligation to share good articles ;p

the next day. i wake up as a better person

Sunday, June 02, 2013

5

5 - have you chosen something you like to study in university?

I have little patience for critics who don’t see the value in a liberal arts education. We don’t mock people who have children -- and there’s no practical value to having children. We don’t mock people who play the guitar, or go on walks in the woods. Why should we mock people who want to learn about their world and learn about themselves?
- Ken Ilgunas

this is a real incident. 
my youngest sis chose to study Philosophy for her degree. 
"Great for her!", i think.
i dont know what baba mama think. but i guess they are as supportive as they always are.
(imaging this is a baba says this to me, go live where you want when you are young. and baba says to sister, go travel where you want when you are young. :) he SAYS not said)

i know, some people think as an older brother/sister, you should help your younger siblings to understand the reality better or help them so they can avoid some unnecessary routes. somehow i have not thought of that through all the years my younger siblings choosing what to study. None of them ask for my opinion. So i gave them nothing (i hope i didnt).

so that was what happened with my youngest sis. i didnt comment. i honestly feel happy for her that she finally decided what she wanted and got it.

and then one day, a friend came to know she is going to study Philosophy. the first thing he asked me back is that, "have she considered about getting a job after graduation?"
i answered something like, No, probably not. And i wondered how I had not thought of this for her as well. It just never crossed my mind that it mattered at this point of time.

back to 7/8 years ago when i was deciding what i want to study for university, i asked baba, "baba, what if i am going to study something which i am not going to earn much after graduation?" baba answered, "do something you love. life is difficult. do something you love and when life gets difficult, you suffer but at least you are happy." he went on taking himself as an example that he chose a family with five kids (his "5 million dollars"), so the hard time at work, he could bear them for what he chose.

so i chose what i loved, radio, and studied media.

hence, through writing and thinking this incident, i now see the link between my past and my sis's present.

nope. like Ken said, we dont mock people for buying a bigger and better car like asking them "why do you need such a luxurious car?" we dont mock people for staying connected on facebook all day long like asking them "what good does it do to you?" why mock someone who knows what he/she wants at this point of time? why mock someone who chose to study English, History, Philosophy, Arts, Linguistics...

to my friend's credit, he didnt mock my sis, he probably had a difficult time trying to get a good job after graduation and is concerned same thing might happen to my sister. thank you for asking that question and made me think more about myself, my family, and my values.

sis, you gonna live what you love, okay? we all love you.

Saturday, June 01, 2013

6

6 - the jobs i applied for



I worked at Coldfoot for a year. I started off as a tour guide and then the rest of the winter did a number of jobs. I was a garbage picker; I was a line cook at the truckers café and I did some maintenance work. After that, I worked for an Americorp conservation crew in Gulfport, Mississippi. Then I got a decent-paying job with the National Park Service as a backcountry ranger at the Gates of the Arctic National Park in Alaska. I lived up in Coldfoot again, and that’s when I finally put an end to my debt.


inspired by what i read about him - the jobs he worked as an graduate with English & History Degree.
i wanna show myself and u what jobs i applied so far.

there's a lot of things I cant possibly make my dear friend (u) understand if 
you had never been to Dubbo, if
you didnt see what i see.
of course, it might not matter to you at all even if you dont understand what I learnt
still, what i learnt is mine, never could be yours. & vice versa.

admin job at Council (one of the biggest employer - hmm...see how govt works...)
any position at a bookstore that has no vacancy
service position at f&b
breakfast shift
any position at local coffee house (equipment, training)
admin at car seller
compliance officer at state water
recep/admin at accountancy firm
medial recep 
school admin support 
harvest job
admin/recep
baker
customer service officer (hearing clinic)
admin support officer (eye clinic)
internal sales (not even sure what it is) ( construction)
admin at forklifts company
recep (cardiac clinic)
client service (community service)
casual position at Post Office (sister Hui will envy me for this, if i got it)
NITV news librarian
personal carer
barista at cafe
service/counter at bakery
admin/recep at music school
counter staff at car rental company
any position at company fghijk
Team Assistant positions at local supermarket stores
....

some are omitted as i actually was not qualified when i applied.

anyway. above are for the record.

it is hard for the OLD me in Singapore to believe an NTU Comm Studies Graduate will take a job like any positions i have applied above.

but it is not so hard for me to understand when i am here. and i see people do what they want to do regardless it is a blue or white collar job. because first of all, any labour (physical/intellectual) are well paid enough in australia. and i think people definitely has a lot less contempt for labour intensive job here.

i am so willingly apply to the above positions coz i think i am capable enough to handle those jobs, perform the task really well

if you were to ask - why not take on librarian job as i did in singapore 
that's because i do not have library/information science qualification . and australia libraries definitely define a qualified person with a relevant qualification

if you were to ask - why not work in media
hmm.. at first i thought i dont want to go back media industry except radio. but when i looked into it. firstly there is not MANY media outlets in dubbo. You will be surprised how MANY we have as a community with 40 thousand population. secondly, i am too new to do any one-man-show in the small radio station or newspapers office in dubbo

so. now. life is still as perfect as it is for me. and my expedition to land myself a Full-time position (for the money i need) and then for a Dream Job will continue indefinitely and infinitely

bon voyage~

Friday, May 31, 2013

7

Company Fghijkl rejected us. Ah. We thought they hire everybody.
And I finished my Flower, which helps me understand what should I focus on when searching for next career opportunity.
Thus. It is a good day today. A day of change.

Things get even better from today onwards ;p

Thursday, May 30, 2013

8

8 - no better time to be sad

the earth weather is good today. but the house weather is not.

when one is happy, to write a sad post, he can only imagine
when one is sad, to write a sad post, he just need to be himself.
thus, there is not better time to be myself to write a sad post today.

source

i wept two times since arriving in this vast under populated land (i love call here this way, till i find a better phrase)
first time, was on the first day, even before i landed on my destination.
he made me realised, at that moment, if he kept me away fr him. there is probably NO one else on this land who loves me. Nobody.
on the very first day we arrived.

second time, i was releasing my negative emotions and wanted to let him know.
i can be happy and contented most of the time.
yet i had my worries, my own fears, that i need someone strong whom i can confide in.
i guess i still dont have the someone for me to confide in here.
but crying is good.

didnt you read that experts say - crying is a wonderful protective mechanism of our body. *
they keep us alive. survive.





* source: http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/why-we-cry-the-truth-about-tearing-up

It can also be a survival mechanism, notes Jodi DeLuca, PhD, a neuropsychologist at Tampa General Hospital in Florida. ''When you cry," she says, "it's a signal you need to address something.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

10

面对难关,咬紧牙关

妹妹的学妹进不了第一志愿学系
在法国的朋友被电影系拒绝然后说
我要去学校问为什么拒绝我

在看Australia Parliament Question Time
看执政者,尤其PM Guilard 有回答不完的问题

我坚持。我只想着。坚持
坚持下去。

如身在法国的朋友所说
I know what I want
Just That things dont always happen the way we want it

让我接下去
Yet there is no other way but to look for other ways to get what we want. Don't turn back when we face set back

For you. For me. For Malaysians. For my brave husband

Monday, May 27, 2013

11

Though constantly acquiring & sharing new knowledge about the others,
Achieve self-discovery & create meaningful connections with people,
To ultimately advance equality across the globe & improve quality of my health and mind.


Sunday, May 26, 2013

12 - random thoughts

Question asked: what brought you to Dubbo?

To some, i said, because Dubbo gave husband higher marks for the migration score system.


Question asked: isnt Malaysia a good place? Why did you choose to leave?

To some, i said, I left Malaysia when I was 19. Because my government didnt recognise my A-level (year 12 in Australia) equivalent qualification yet the rest of the world does, so i left to study overseas. Furthermore, Singapore sponsored part of my tuition fee.
The part i didnt say, i knew i eventually have to leave when i was 12 YO, when i made the decision to study in independent chinese education system instead of the hall-of-fame-academically-strong-boarding-girl-school. Looking back, I think this is sad for a Malaysian Chinese girl to think that she IS NOT recognised by her own country. (which may be linked to why I think civil rights of gay marriage is important, you just want to feel recognised by the place you were born and raised)


Beautiful scene observed at the restaurant i worked: grandparents + parents + toddlers/babies eating tgt 

It is usually a table for 4 to 6/7 people. The harmonious moment where the adults chatting while the kid climbing on them, or sleeping in their arms, is just a gentle reminder that my parents wont enjoy these kind of moments much if i were to stay in Australia.

Being together with family somehow is something more important in the hearts and minds of Australians than i thought. I had the impression that westerners are individuals independent from their parents and being together or not is no big deal. Yet, it could be that all humans are the same. Family ties and presence, regardless of culture, always treasured by some and mean not as much to the others. So, here is an old perception of mine that should be cleared and removed.


Today I admitted strategy of looking for job is not good enough. More works to be done till I find a job that makes me feel i am living what i love.

13- First

13- First

First campfire under the moon, in my whole life. (I count out the ones we had in jungles for cooking, coz it is really just for fun)

When I shared this first to the first two French guys I spoke French with (just a little), he gave me this 'pity you' face, like saying, you poor girl :( never enjoy this kind of fun before?

Haha. They are guys 4 years younger than I am. Arh. Gonna get use to it, I am not the youngest anymore :(

First time met a lady who taught photography in T college. The warmest thing she said is that, I can relate to that (feeling not creative and original). That's nice of her to said that after I made a long confession of being not creative.

First seeing Moonlight beaming in my friend Bron. Moonlight makes her more beautiful :)

First house that is made up of 2 caravan visited. Cool place. Cool person.

All these firsts happened tonight. TA! (meaning Thank You in Australia)

Saturday, May 25, 2013

14




14 midnight cafe dubbo. apparently, i started 10 yrs ago in someone's backyard. (anything started from backyard or garage just sounds supremely awesome)

what midnight cafe is? A free entry event. Simple stage with a piano, microphones, etc. To the right of stage, a blackboard for performers to write their own names in order from 1, 2 .... till 40 max.

after performer no.1 sang his/her song, played his/her music, performer no.2 will be invited on stage. and it goes on like this from 7pm-12 midnight.

free cappuccino and hot chocolate provided. 

the atmosphere is further described in my little notes taken on spot.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

15

15- Be With You

Meeting people is an interesting thing. Especially so when you have no one in a foreign land. We NEED to meet people.

When we first stayed in Gest Inn, a budget accommodation where 10 rooms shared the showers & toilets in one level, we were not involved in people's conversations. Partly because they seem to know each other and comfortably oblivious with our existence. Partly because the kitchen where the conversations took place didn't meet Lua's standard of hygiene and he just preferred to get out as soon as food is done. However, 2 or 3 nights before we were abt to move out, we saw some Chinese looking faces and they started asking if we speak Chinese, Lua decided to stay in the kitchen, eat and chat with them. Da-da. That means it wasn't just hygiene he was not comfortable with previously.

We went to a workshop where all attendees are holding the same vocational visa as ours. All participants, whether arrive years or months or weeks ago, didn't have a group to stick with. So after I approached some guys and started conversations, Lua started getting more comfortable with meeting new faces, and trying to understand them, and ...

We are appreciative for the first group of friends we met through couch surfing (couchsurfing.org). They show genuine sincerity and concern on our situations and just make us feel we are part of this place.

We just attended an event called New Residents Night. After a small game, people simply holding their drinks and get into conversations with whoever there. This was just wonderful. No format. No speech. Nothing serious and lengthy and bureaucratic. I guess this new residents night really works in the way that new people in town, like us, just get to meet new people they wouldn't have met through works or life . 

This time, we were among the top 5 who moved from the furthest place. Many attendees were Australians from other parts of this land. I was in deep conversation with a lady from Sydney, whom I find it amazing that there were sentences she didn't need to complete and I can understand what she's trying to say. Learning foreign language. Traveling. Alone and away from family & friends is good. Etc. etc. Lovely time I had.

So far, the most uncomfortable 'meeting people' event for me was a social drinking session of Dubbo Professionals Network. Nothing bad abt it. Just I don't drink alcohol and it was probably the venue that makes me feel not so much at ease. Yet, I heard wonderful stories shared by this very very approachable lady. She shared how she admired her mum's courage. Here's what her mum did.

Brother came home from school telling mum that his classmates, two boys, seem to have been beaten by their daddy. Mum said, bring them home after school tmr. Brother brought his friends back the next day. Mum confirmed the classmates were beaten by their daddy who had separated with their mum. Mum call the boys' mum and informed her, asked if she wanted the boys to stay with her till she's back to the boys. And mum did. Kept the boys at her own home. Knocked the door of the violent daddy's house, demanded him to give her the boys' clothes and stuffs, told him off, told him not to come disturb them. ...

Isn't it wonderful to be alone in a foreign land? And meet people. And heard real things from real people out of your comfort zone. 

The real life starts when you leave your comfort zone. This is true. I vouch for it.



Title of this post is title of a film by Sg director Eric Khoo.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

a promise to myself - i am gonna do better


i dont know about you. but i admit i am a stranger in my homeland - Malaysia. There's hell lot of things i do not know abt Malaysia, and some were things I didnt care.

I dont speak fluent Malay. I dont know anything about aborigines in Malaysia, where, how they live. I didnt get involved in anything for a better Malaysia.

I never realised how bad I was as a Malaysian when I was in Singapore, maybe because I was still so close to it.

When I am in Aussie, when I see national apology made by Aussie PM, when I met aborigine searching for her family history, when I observe some of the great content NITV SBS TVbroadcasted, I want. I want to know more about this land. About its mistakes and its courage facing the mistake recorded in history.

I am ignorant. I admit. And I am gonna do better

16

Imagine I am going to start work on 7 June
16 days to go


a thousands of ways to reply 'how are you?'

好吗?^^
生活很好。工作不好找

Hi gal, how r u there?? Everything settled down??
we are quite lucky and just paid "bond" (deposit) yesterday for a unit
and now we have a place to stay as long as we wish, but not job yet.
?/??? brisbane street, dubbo, new south wales 2830, australia

hows tings in aussie?
Life is peaceful, quiet, and more like-able for me here. Just job is not easy to get

大姐,過去那裡一周了,近來可好?
老大,时差3小时,目前好像刚换工作
感觉新鲜,很好,看人和风景都很有意思

Dear Vinn,
I miss you:) how are you?
dear mon ami (my friend),
i am well here. so touched to read your msg.
i am going to work a waitress job this Sunday onwards. You can & I cant believe it, even waitressing job is good enough to cover living expenses for me & husband!
so will work this job till either one or both of us find "proper" job.
there are some tough time (little ones) here. yet overall i m very happy here. i feel reborn the other morning

Halo How r u? Settle down in Australia already?
hi pxxxxx. sorry for my super duper delayed reply.
i wont say i have settle down coz i ve not started working full time here.
yet i am glad that i had made a choice to come here
seeing a different place & a different self

my dear friends...how are you guys in Aus? I hope you have found a place to put up now....
U just caught the biggest stone in loon's heart
Not gotten a house yet, I m enjoying the quiet life here
Loon has to speak for himself ;p

Hey Kaixuan! :) how's life in Aussie haha
Hi ah d. Ohaiyo. I replied like half a mth later :P Life is simple & easy & beautiful & getting colder & colder here.
I miss radio, my time of doing it.
& .. I think I m a better person here in some ways


Tuesday, May 21, 2013

17


Imagine I am going to start work on 7 June
17 days to go

The people I met

A Hong Kong man we met in a photocopy store asked, you speak Chinese? When I said yes, he started speaking Cantonese to me. Then I understood he is from Hong Kong, very long ago, long enough for him to consider himself local.

A lady from the Texas, U.S. flew across the ocean, and landed in Dubbo 11 months ago and was doing archeological field work here for 7 months before traveling around Australia for 4 months before meeting us in her 2nd last morning in Australia.

We were joining our first birthday party in Dubbo that morning we met her, by a dam, 40 min from home. Bron has such a different name. She has a different character as well that she chose to have her birthday celebrate outdoor by a dam, camping under the starry sky.

Back to the hong kong man, we bumped again into him at the exit of our local supermarket. He asked, found a job? When our answers were no, he said, why not worked at company fghijk? Jobs in Australia has no class, he added. So do we agree. Yet, we were not what he thought we were. We had our own timeline and plan and will and so on and so forth.

Glad that our parents are not assuming anything and have been very warm to us. My dad said, enjoys these days. His mummy said, I was worried you two will be bored and lonely, nah, you had neighbor visiting you, I will call again next time

:)

We are lucky that we had a choice to make. We are lucky that we met whom we met. We are lucky to have whom we have. We are lucky to be here together, exploring, trying, failing, being quiet, awkward, helpless, hopeful, hungry and full together.

Monday, May 20, 2013

18

Imagine I am going to start work on 7 June
18 days to go

I was thinking, who miss me for a split of second just now.

And I saw a Fb Message wt 2 words "好吗?" (How are you?)

I replied, thank you for asking, it felt good to know someone thought of me somewhere. I told him Mr. joe, "生活很好,工作不好找"(Life is so good. Job is not easy to find.)

I have been in good mood since I arrive in this wide vast underpopulated land. Mr. Lua (husband) said, you are happy because of a lots of small things.

I am. Actually, there is nothing to be unhappy abt over here, I feel, even after over 2 months here. Yesterday, we were strolling by the river, something we hardly if not never do in Singapore/Johor Bahru. We didn't know what was happening, but almost every groups of individuals, there's someone walking with a dog. OH oh oh. I am not a dog lover. Lua might be considered as one. Yet I found them so fun to look at. The dogs wanna smell you, no matter you are a different ethnic group, or you are not a dog. Haha... And there was a little girl, dressed in pinkish outfit, she ran joyfully wt her dog, leaving her dad walking following her behind.

That's just one easy found happiness here in Dubbo. It's small when you compare to even Canberra or Johor Bahru or whatever else. But it is so beautiful. The leaves changing colours at this season. We couldn't ever expect what we will see in our evening strolls. Sometime a gentleman waived from his yard to say hello. Another time a lady paused in front of her gate and said, the sunset is just lovely, isn't it?

It is.

To be continued tmr.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

my country 11.4.2013 ma nation

昨天,马来西亚宣布5 May大选。睡觉前,我在想airasia的机票会被扫光吗?我们overseas voter的application要被diproses到什么时候??

早上,在skype,妹寄来weblink,check了之后,果然,还在diproses.....

今晚上fb,看到一堆朋友的sharings,全都一面倒要Change. 是因为物以类聚,还是?

我大多数的friends是独中生。也有姑姑(住关丹、反稀土),也有cousin是KL人......etc.希望election is fair & transparent.马来西亚is changing for better.

华人把华教叫作"独立"中学,那执政50几年的政府把华教叫"私立"zhongxue",而身处华教学府时,觉得我们是和主流"对立"的中学。

有时,我遗憾自己是华教的成品。因为我不认识国立学校的朋友,不知道他们是否也觉得这个制度可笑,这个政府偏激又爱做广告,没有信服力、执行力。
很久了,他们讲话,我当屁,不理。

可是,我的妈妈呢?她一辈子在malaysia, 我的爸爸(他会基本英文),可他会和妈妈在怎样的malaysia养老呢?

You, give me back a "normal" malaysia. I dont need a country who tops the world, just give me a country who is sensible, that I can make sense with.


Monday, April 08, 2013

花园 08.04.2013 le jardin




我转头45到90度,就能看到花园里面现在盛开着6朵花。有两朵之前绽放过的花朵现在枯萎了。花朵原来也会睡觉。清早,看到花朵才微微张开。早餐后,花朵就又开到最大最美的样子。小花过几天会变大花,旁边又会多一朵小花。刚搬来时的大花,已经再也不会绽放了。
衣服晒在花朵们的右边。空气很干燥。阳光很强。有时风很大。所以,除了极少数可能下雨的日子,衣服很快就会干了,还会有阳光的味道。非常好闻。

冷冷的秋天早晨,坐在落地门窗旁边,晒太阳取暖是多么多么舒服的一件事。我想我一辈子也不会厌倦的。

不会厌倦的还有小花园里的小花,还有有阳光味道的晒干的衣服。


移民,或者说到另一个地方去生活,当然也不是只有风花雪月的。有说不尽的浪漫、舒适和温暖以及奇遇。也有不想说的哀愁。

未找到自己的小房子之前,住过一个旅社。不算大的房间就是我们仅有的空间,我们在房间里吃早饭,在双人床上用电脑看电影,唯一的橱柜放着吃的、钱包等随身物品、洗衣剂、洗碗剂各种东西。不算舒适的日子却让我觉得对两个人的关系很重要。我想夫妻更重要的可能是一起“熬过”不那么好的日子。不算好的日子也不断让我想起松蒲弥太郎说的,不管什么时候,要为社会最底层的人考虑。

当我们把带来的第一笔钱用尽,转来第二笔钱的时刻,adjustment(调节?)的阶段也进入第二个层次。边做些零散的可以应付的工作边慢慢寻找真正适合真正喜欢也想要做的工作。

如果没有这一趟奇妙的旅程,我会遗憾。因为我没有试过在外头担心害怕的日子,因为我没有体验过什么都没有却因为陌生人亲切的问候而感动的简单(有个白发老人走上前来告诉我:you look good in white),因为我不知道有那么基本的旅舍而且可以在那里住上一段日子(是生活的那种住不是旅行那种)。因为我没有看过片片辽阔的草原,所有的牛羊马都低头吃草(让我真的很想不要再吃肉了)。还有很多写不出,看了你也不真正知道我在说什么的事,因为那是我的,不是你的,每个人只有自己经历才懂得的事。


最后,在忘记之前,想要记下来的想法,是。看到我的亲爱的她在从上一段亲密关系中走出来的时候庆贺一个人的独立自由以及毫不保留的自我。我第一时间感到羡慕,心底一部分的自己相信不爱谁的自己才是最自己的自己。可是,我身边的他是一个挺神奇的人,不知道他是不是和我一样在实验两个人也可以各自实现自我做自己并且因为彼此而更勇敢的去做,不放手,不放弃?

不是每个人都在适婚的时候遇到适合的人。所以,没有办法鼓励也不应该催促谁谁快快找个伴。但愿遇到想爱的人的你,不要害怕失去自己,希望我们可以证明相爱和实现自我是没有冲突的。


谢谢偶尔想起我,想要知道我还活得好吗的你。我们加油

Monday, April 01, 2013

Sunday morning 31.3.13 Le Dimanche Matin


Sunday morning. By Macquarie River 31.3.13

The good thing abt being in a new place is
old things, that have always been there, are seen with a new & fresh pair of eyes, are heard by a sensitive pair of ears.

The bird chirping. The duck quacking. The bird whistling. The colour of birds, the butterflies, the flower on the bank river, even the grass that makes the field, the slow flowing water, the wind, the coldness.

It could be that I am simply someone who has longed for a natural ‘habitat’/environment to live, so I see them, hear them, feel them. Sitting by the river, feeling the cool breeze, & writing, & thinking.

A bird, white in colour, just flew across from my left to right in front of me. I think I read about them in the local paper, they are called “Macquarie”, the same names as the river being called. Macquarie apparently is someone who was a General being sent to Aus centuries ago.

Just being bitten by an ant, apparently I might have accidentally blocked their ways of moving to somewhere else.

I am a little confused. How Tony Leong (Liang Chao Wei) said abt being relax and don’t make plans & just go with whatever comes & happens to you. I am confused because I don’t know how can one be so … impressive not paying effort to strive for anything.

Wind just got stronger. And I added my jacket bought and brought from Sg.

I wonder could it be Leong is already doing what he loves, thus he can do it that easy breezy way? Coz I am sure not all who lives casual-ly/care-free live a life as great as his. Maybe he disagrees with me that he lives a great life, but he certainly is a great actor. Anyway, I guess people do have different ways of living.

Some aim, slog, achieve. Some live, play, achieve. What I love about this place where I am now, is, it is simply very simple. A CBD smaller then my old Taman (residential district). You have a river at the edge of CBD, while I live just 15-20 min stroll away. Everyone (almost) rest aft. 5pm, closed on Sunday & half-day Saturday. I didn’t feel much rushing. No unhappy/angry parents I have witnessed yet.

Instead, I saw so many birds who won’t even care abt me, as if the grass is theirs, the park is theirs, and I am a trespasser : )

I love this place.

No job found yet. It could be a blessing to let me know how nice a living area can be. Maybe I can stay. Maybe I wont. But I certainly learn form these days here.

I enjoy Dubbo.

 birds always make me feel like trespasser 




Writing by the river. While I write, family of five (incl. a dog) passed by. Across the river, a couple strolled pass. Three cars passed by. A couple with their god stroll at the field behind me.

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

宠


宠物是属于某人,依赖于某人的一种生物。属于和依赖表示了一种地位与能力上的不平等。在生存上,许多宠物没有了主人的照料,会活不下去。然,在精神上,主人往往是依赖者。在与宠物相处的时光,人找到快乐和意义,还有避开了寂寞(solitude)。

宠爱的对象是某人有求必应、盲目相信、保护袒护的对象。你大概在这个对象的身上看到一份真、善或美。于是欣赏。于是对他的小小愿望在乎并尽力实现。于是对想要打击质疑摧毁他的人更加敏感,可能过度反应,阻止,在他感受到一丝伤害之前。

我们人类可以有宠物,一旦有宠爱的人,就被认为是不理智的。你可曾宠爱?可曾被宠爱?

在宠爱自己的人面前,你觉得你不再只是你自己,你大于你自己,在他的眼神和声音里,你看见可以去实现所想所要的那个自己。

在宠爱的人面前,我们觉得更接近真正的美。宠你和爱你和盲目和袒护都是因为世界不那么懂你的美。所以我默不作声,不为你申辩因为他们不重要不必理会。所以我为你发声,因为那些自认为你好的人并未看见你的挣扎,听见你的感受,触碰到此时此刻的你(他们拥有的是过去的你,想着的是未来你的你)。

宠爱的和被宠爱的人在彼此面前也不是完整的自己。你宠爱的是这样的他,而他遇见的是那样的你。一日宠爱的那份美消失,宠爱的关系也会消失。


http://pinterest.com/pin/128493395588565994/

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

After the last hour of my ufm 100.3 time --27 Jan, 2013

Chronologically speaking, these are what happened...

2 very thoughtful gentlemen have invited me to dine together. We were sitting at the kopitiam across the road, opposite SPH building, eating & chatting. They jointly paid for my dinner, as they said this was my last day. As they were really thoughtful & playful guys, they allowed me to pay for their drinks so I wouldnt feel bad for their treat. Among these 2 师弟 (juniors) in ufm (simply bcoz they r younger), GH shared the most, on & related to 100.3. Lots of questions I have no answer to them, or never even asked before. Going to take over my part of hosting, CY had responded modestly with humour, he seemed taking this as a playing time, and just wanting to have fun in radio hosting. We said goodbye, and we also wished each other doing very well in our different endeavors between now and the next time we meet. Jiayou.

Deprived of my sleep the night before, as I had too much fun with old friends. I was sleepy then & I took a cab from radio station to checkpoint. You may think I must be feeling emotional, but I was too tired and did not think abt that. Just listening to the radio music of the cab. The cab fare cost over $21. I walked, took bus, then appeared at the other end of the causeway, waiting for my dear super-nice brother to pick me up.

I was home. I finished the very last bowl of my mum's wonderfully delicious black bean soup. With contentment & happiness of being together with bros, sis, parents, I went to bed with younger sisters in laughter.

That's how life is. It never happens the way you expect it to be. No. I didn't cry. Yet I did "give me five" wt my 师弟s, promising them, they will hear my podcast. No. No more weekend hosting. No more colleagues in 100.3 but friends. No. 师兄,师姐 (seniors) in radio stations will never have to tell me off again. Haha. 

Thanks my dear friends who very willingly appeared in my last few episodes to make me not feeling the sadness of an ending. It has ended, merrily, cheerfully, with you joining me.

Thanks my dear friends & sis who tuned in, some for the first & last time. Thanks for your love & support. Your attentive listening is very, very, very appreciated. Without attentive listeners, radio hosting is less fun & meaningful.

Let's bid farewell for now. Hear me some other days, other ways



wt love,
kaixuan


Sunday, January 13, 2013

那不是你真正想要的

某日,晨。我心血来潮,对有栽培之恩的老大WH说:我一定会开成我的咖啡加书店,到时一定想方设法告诉你,请你来坐坐。回应我一番热血,老大只说了五个字:haha……好。一定。

Cow Bookstore @Tokyo

昨日,夜。Looon在说关于寻找自己真正的热忱。我说热忱也许不是我实现梦想与否的关键,我认为关键在“那是不是你真正想要的”。

Looon说自己是个喜欢教人的人。曾经在当补习老师的期间感受过一股热忱。按照Looon的理论,两股动力足够推动你一直往前走。“教补习的时候,第一股动力就是喜欢教人。第二股动力来自于看到自己的学生从不及格到拿到好成绩,那种看到了成果的满足感。”我回应,我确定我做广播的时候也感受过这两股动力,不过,也许成功的关键每个人不同。也许我的那一个关键不叫做热忱,叫做“是不是真正想要的”。

回望自己走过的路,我的确没有确定过“做全职deejay是自己真正想要的”。如果是,毕业以后,可以不顾一切,去电台实习,不计较薪水多寡,不管贷学金怎么还,只要踏出那一步,一定就像他们一样,最后也会被签下来的。吉隆坡的机会也一样,没有积极去把握。所以,追根究底,不是时机,不是“没有缘分”,没有把“做全职deejay是自己真正想要的”事确定下来,所以做不成功。

所以,我认识到自己是这样的一个人,我可以选择突破我自己,或是继续平淡下去。我可以继续以目标为方向,享受一路风景,不管最后是否抵达目的地。或是我一定要走到目的地,无论如何,都要到达。

我想,我的心里面对下一个梦想已有了选择。