a day of so much lessons to be learnt

今天，我有点委屈，因为别人的无心失误，我被摆上台
毫无准备的主持两个小时。。。对菜鸟而言着实不易

结果，糟踏了听众的耳朵，自己心里已经不好受
可是正做着节目，对自己的表现不敢多做想法
because i must go on, no matter what

所以，一位很狠的听众发了一封很狠的简讯进来
是我第一次接到这样的简讯，因为是我的第一次，请原谅我无法不做任何感受

我想他的话是狠了点，不过也有几分真实
虽然我有突发状况解释我的极烂表现，不过他们是不会知道的，他们也没有理由因为我的理由而欣然拥抱烂烂的节目内容

啊 这是身不由己

当然，数年后，同样的突发状况发生，我一定会应对得更好
不过，不是这一次

啊 so there is a lesson to learn here. be prepared every minute : ) (seems like mission impossible to me now.. hihi)

然后，zj在我离开refugee camp之前说了两件事
第一，我应该记得我已经不是一个人了 （比如，我的周六不是我一个人的，而是我和王子的，所以，是应该先征求他的同意的）
第二，时机。也许不是在王子打来找我的时候尽吐我想说的东西，而应该找个更好的时机，用更好的方式说，让他感觉到我的在乎

爱情，确实是需要学习的 n this is another lesson of the day



最近很累，我想颈部的问题有贡献
而且。。。。。。我干嘛，非写不可呢？？

谢谢你的包容，如果你忍受我对你的耳朵和意识的虐待，还坚持听下去
谢谢你的聆听，猪头，让我治疗一下自己并不强大的心和脑袋
谢谢最辛苦的王子殿下，因为我很差劲，原来我这么差劲，辛苦你了

铭记王子殿下的叮咛
好好做下去。。。。。。

Official wedding photo: Ellen DeGeneres, Portia de Rossi

Photo: Jay L. Clendenin/Lara Porzak GettyImages

I only know who Ellen is, she is charismatic. And, her wife is pretty, isnt it?

I believe their relationship will last.

20 08 2008

在等头发干

呵呵

就当这是一个理由，也是一个借口吧

今晚，是高产的
也许是因为有负面的情绪
最近，开始情不自禁的用英文写些东西

呵呵

矛盾的，还在担忧这样自己的华语表达能力是不是会烂一点

呵呵

亲爱的，因为要保护我，和保护自己，偶尔有点动气
不过，有爱，we will sort it out 我们可以克服的

刚刚看了大弟弟在日本的照片
我们在这里悄悄的偷看他
其实也看不太出来什么
只有自己经历着最了解自己
而我，有大概8个月没有看过他了，偶尔，我偷偷想他

亲爱的妹妹，除了得奖外
还是很酷的，所有的人都说她比我聪明，比我美丽
腿比我长，这是事实
我们互相羡慕，互相珍惜，珍惜难得的好妹妹/姐姐
她还是很酷，一付无所求的样子，但是总是妥妥当当的
超酷

亲爱的小小妹，要去参加文艺营
多年前，跟随她的直觉，她放弃了小提琴
多年后，她跳舞，她写东西，她喜欢美术
他们的聪明，如果我不是姐姐，我会妒忌到死掉
我说真的

呵呵

还有一个也颇敏感、颇多愁善感的弟弟
他很难搞，他也有很多东西也搞，尤其是身边的女人
学校里已经很多了，家里还这么多，我知道
他真的很需要男人，来平衡一下他的生活

都是中学生了

今天彦志说最害怕自己最后会做着不喜欢做的事
我不知道你怎么看
不过我觉得，不用太复杂
只要喜欢，就去做
做到了，就开心，身边的人也会开心 （就算不是每一个啦）

突然真的感觉好累好累哦
可是头发还没有干

刚刚我也偷偷去看了另一个人的blog
他没有更新
从二月到现在
我对他blog上的那对戒指 难忘
虽然远远的，知道他很幸福，感觉很好
在address bar 键入他的blog的地址时，一阵迟疑
心想，哪一天可能真的会忘了
忘了也好
也觉得时间真的是个强大的怪兽

爱情呢？
好像更强大，更怪一些
松松的爱情，只要彼此觉得舒服就好
没有变成永远，也不要紧，大家成长了彼此，很好

试着让自己在对的时候，傻傻的去爱
在错的时候，静静离开，等待黎明，等待满天不用钱的星星

永远永远 家 朋友 给我很好的感觉
你要的不多 你给的还好 需要的时候 都在 不需要的时候 摇摇摆摆 也很写意

有时候采取主动，会赚到快乐
像我最近就是

鹏最近借我一本书 it might offences you
我看的时候还在期待是哪里会有这个effect
毕竟是从来没有的

一个人呼噜呼噜吐出自己的一套想法、理解
我随意地看，应该和他看似钻研地看不同
可是也看出自己觉得舒服的感觉

这样，和我们日常生活不息息相关的书
已经好久不见了
我想起了安琪提过的她的枕边书
我也没想到我还记得书名和作者的名字

所以 现在那本书在我这里了

永健说他的听众说今天的日期很美
所以 就以日期为题吧
和平静的自己说说话
也等待哪一天你有时间 不小心读到

或一行一行一字一字地读
或像我常常用飞眼一目一段
都无刃欢迎

我叫凯璇，我好久没有用中文跟谁介绍我自己了
好久没有签自己的中文名字了，所以我刚刚在日记里签了一笔

有种不舍得停下这个自言自语的环节
不过，还是要休息的

晚安，松囿 : )
我很久没有对你说了
以前初三，住在看得见新加坡的宿舍里
躺在床上，都会和你说一声晚安才睡

晚安，爸爸妈妈

晚安。。。

aug19 complicated : |

en... reading havent done
en... also need to read more on them so that i understand them better, so that i can do something good for them and for myself
en... sat is going to be like a brand new start for me...
en... the campus part-time job i was applying all this while didnt go smooth in the end... i m bounced to 0 income agian, if i m this picky : (
en... sth good happened to me, He claiming he is my laoda called n told me about his new arrangement. i assume the new arrangment shows that he has faith in me. n i m happy about it. but, when i swithed on my phone just now n read e two messages came in, i m hurt by deardear's message. unexpectedly and sadly, he is unhappy with the new arrangement

sis actually won 3rd prize yest in her singing contest~~~~~ i m very very excited to know that. so do dear dear. dear dear even said that he wants to give sis kaiyun a treat. however, according to sis, mama is too cool when she heard the news. sis is pretty dissappointed because of mama's coolness. i fully understand how she felt, as i felt so before.

i cant explain. why the dearest people around you dont react in the way you hope. .. maybe we care them too much, and they care us too much. so much so that they cant see what others see in something we are happy about. mama cant share kaiyun's excitement and sense of achievement, while kaiyun actually loves mama so so much, n wishes that mama can give her just a word of encouragement or praise? neither can dear dear shares my simple happiness in knowing that i m given more opportunities to on-air, though i hope u do just as e sikeng n jessie do.

i m sorry, my dear friends who are reading this. i cant give u any good feelings in this blog. i cant ... n hopefully my not-so-good mood doesnt infect you at all.

i m tired now. n i feel i ve lots undone stuffs. fortunately, i ve friends whom are easy n feel good to be with. we chat about films, about fyps... so on and so forth.

baba mama, i love u. kaixiang, kairik, kaiyun, kaihui, i love you. dear, i love you. my friends, i love you. kaixuan, i love you for trying hard to be whom you want to be.

keep it on...'buck up' (this the word dear dear would use)

很棒的 8月18号

让我用倒叙的
在地铁上，遇到一个叫“德语”的爸爸，他有一个还不会说话的儿子
小小的 好可爱
德语爸爸说，早上骂儿子了，所以晚上带他出来走走
呵呵 我感觉得到他当爸爸的幸福 我小时候 爸爸是不是也是这样幸福着呢？

晚餐，和王子共进
非常幸福和舒服 用完食物后 离王子上课还有一段时间
我突然兴起 拿张纸 让王子画画一下
先是几条线长长地横越A5的上半边 我想 那是天吗？
然后他开始在下方画一些方方的 怀疑是很大很大的石头的东西
“你知道这是哪里吗？”
不知道
“墨西哥”

看着他画，觉得自己很幸福，有多少人有这样的幸福呢？
可以这样看着爱人陪自己突发奇想，画画，画着自己心里面想着的地方
画完了，他说他喜欢印第安人的帽子和吉他
我喜欢他画的石头上的阴影，还有仙人掌

我坐在麦当劳，看以前读过的一本很容易读的书SQ21
友惠允发现了我 多年不见了 对她来讲 我并不难认
虽然看见彼此没有想象中的激动 不过没有陌生的感觉 不知道为什么
我们聊了很多很多 多到我根本不可能尽数
关于她的音乐 关于她的体会

很舒服 也很难得的 不是每个人 见面了 都可以吐尽心里话的
要一个愿意说 一个愿意听 所以我赚了 赚了很多惠允的故事和体会

早上，我还是赖床，家里的床，难得多赖几回，不是么？
“起来！！”我对我自己说
我随意翻完必须读完的几面assigned reading
我随意在必需发表意见的space上，随意敲打了我仅有的硬硬挤出来的想法
出门

-----

不是要好的，只要爱的

不管他多帅
不管他多有风度
不管他多么勇敢
不管他多高
不管他有多优秀
不管我有多不完美
你还是爱我，不要否认了！
不管他他他他他有多好，我还是爱你，我只是爱你

跟你在一起，很舒服，很平静，这是真的
自然的，无法控制的，喜欢 和你在一起

我爱你

只是爱你 你很可爱 我不需要好的，更好的男人
只要和我爱和爱我的你在一起

我爱你

你要多喝水，要多吃有营养的东西，要快乐，要健康

谢谢你

-----

没有个性的地方

看报纸的时候，终于找到那个词来形容我觉得这个地方少的那样东西
个性
这个地方找了个性
这是马来西亚有的，尽管他脾气不好 : )

-----

吴娟瑜说她会带着两个儿子跳上火车，出发，去探索

去探索，或许，这是我一直对多年前我们一家7人开着一辆6人客货车环绕马来西亚半岛玩了2个星期左右津津乐道的原因吧

这跟我以前想要流浪的想法一致
这跟王子现在想要去流浪的想法一致
这跟王jj先生没有行程在台湾玩了一个星期的感觉也是一致的

去探索、去流浪、去……

-----

前天的报纸说谣传ellen昨天在florida结婚了
她真酷！！！！！！

: )

-----

哈哈 我爽了

the end

midnight of Aug16 i miss a friend

firstly, aug15 is the anniversary of Japanese surrendered for WWII, if i didnt wrongly interpret the tv news.

secondly, tonight, the drama i watch with sis, and the little tiny xin1 shi4 i had remind me a friend i used to have. i used to trust a friend whom i never meet in reality but online much. but at the end of the story, i lost this friend.

when i feel abit insecure to tell e little xin1 shi4 to my close friends tongiht, i think of this friend, who was distant and yet being trusted so much. to ve this kind of friend is sth ke3 yu4 bu4 ke3 qiu2.

: ) by the time i blog about missing this friend, another distant friend had just cleared e dark clouds in my hearts. i can sleep soundly later n ve a nice weekend tmr.

with love,
kai xuan

dear friend, be there nicely...

just a quick note on my fyp

i am happy about today. as i feel, we get some advancement after quite some time of stagnantation.

we remove many other topics that we had brainstormed, and get 3 topics shortlisted. we answer a question which i feel it's quite important to be answered by ourselves. What we are trying to get from our fyp individually. Everyone's has their own aims and targets. That's a pretty good sign for me though i couldnt explain why i feel so. And i believe, as what wanjing said, we will get there, we will get what we initially want from our fyp at the end of everything.

i believe in that statement too.

some people maybe are smarter, that's why s/he can always point out some points we neglect. thanks for those smart guys around us. our team are moving forward, i feel.

well. i feel the process of doing fyp is a very complicated one. apart from the technical issues we need to face, the arts of communication is very very important.

i know i am preoccupied with an idea that i suggested, and i hope i can persuade others to believe it. but, take one step backward, so do others. they also voice their ideas and feel strongly for it, and hope that i am for his/her ideas too. while i am pushing the discussion, i hope i successfully avoid ... dominating anything... ya... i hope i didnt.

so, ya, aside from Media stuffs.. we are practising, how to work with a team on sth 'big', ya... i cant say it's small for anyone of us, right?

Ian said, VoidDeck is great, until a Philipinos docu comes in. oh.. that opinion once again prove that something about foreign lands easily catch people's eyes balls when all others docus that screening together are done locally... isnt it?

so, if we lose the opportunity to / wont do something out of the country, i hope we at least do something matches the standard of VoidDeck, or ya, surpass it. this's a side-wish of mine for my fyp.

people to work with, is important. very important. probably, the most important factor in the whole process of fyp. thus, i feel, no matter what sacrifices i have to make, if it's for the relationship among the people in team, maybe i should do so to sacrifice, to hope for we work in a happy n fullfiling atmosphere.

but now, before i giving up persuading others. using my low iq brain, what i conclude is, probably, i should not only know and explore what interests me in order to introduce them to my teammates, i should learn about what interests them too, so that probably, we reach a consensus on what is our fyp is going to be about sOOn...

arh... externally, seeing where some other teams are... i am a bit... gan3 jiong1 : )

make a wish here. all the best for our fyp (probably my 1 and only video production in my whole life). wish that we ve good relationship throughout and a long lasting friendship after it is done. best wish for the couple in team too. haha...

oopps. i am a greedy lady, i made 3 wishes...

love my life~

谢谢你的提问，仅此记录作为给自己的提醒

你是怎么下定决心要进入广播界？

其实，是从听广播开始吧。觉得听了有受益，所以希望，也能做能让人有受益的节目。
另外，觉得自己可能也在口才方面有一定能力，相信自己坚持，至少可以做part time吧
而且，除了广播，实在没有什么我想做的了，所以一定要做广播
就像这次共产党的题目不成功，如果拿来做广播纪录片，我一个人慢慢做就可以做出来
所以，我也感觉自己越来越不会跟队伍相处，一个人做，反而觉得自由多一些
再来，觉得自己做广播，隔着什么却又真切的那种感觉，是自己要的，相对于面对面啊…电视啊的交流

痛苦

finally, we got a very very nice (A grade) supervisor for our fyp (Final Year Proj)
just 1 point to show how nice she is here. she is so natural in front of us, even put her legs on her table while chatting with us. i love her! nikki rocks!

everyone in e team want to do our fyp well, make it our proud, with our full passion n energy

but things never go just as smooth and as easy as you hope. it just never.

i have to HAVE TO have to face e FACT that e topic, which i personally strongly feel it's meaningful n for justice of certain group of people, is not viable for now. i have to keep reminding myself to accept this n stop hoping for doing it.

n we have plenty of other topics. r we getting the list of topics because we try so hard to fish / have / get a topic? i dont like e way we meeting all these topics... it's like you write for the sake of writing, you read for the sake of examination. oh no...

i prefer to ask myself, if there's only 1 documentary i can do in my life, what will i dedicate it for?

if it is very personal one. probably about my family. my parents n grandparents. sometime we need this kind of 'occasional' opportunity to get deep in touch with e people whom we r supposedly so close with yet we know them so poorly.

for i m doing e docu with a team... we need to think for others.

is GLBT a good idea? will my dearest darling disagree with me (who he perceived immature n too stupid to protect myself) doing on GLBT?

why GLBT?
1. i believe their choices is either they were born with it or they were shaped by their environment (of course, my belief is based on e people i met)
2. even they dont know, and i also dont know why they make such choices, i dont think their choices is 'wrong'. they just have different choices. they r not raping each other, but loving and caring for whom they naturally fond of.

for these two simple and direct reasons, it is enough for me to do something for them. hopefully, they will be happier living their loved ones, not only their 'darling', but also their parents, siblings, relatives whom they love deeply always, no matter what their choices are.

if u have heard how people in other countries working so hard n liveing so thriftyly to get money to get their operation done. if u ve heard how those educated elites behind me smuckles when they think they are morally higher than GLBT, simply because they are straight. when u know he is gay n he needs to say 'gays r disgusting' in front of so many people because that's dominant morality in our society, did you ever think about how he feels? what if there r laughters when he says this....?

oh no...