自己也记不得了

有时我在想
当email account 越来越多，有时候会不会自己都忘了有这么一个email account 呢？

就像我喜欢搜集我喜欢的半学长的网络上的空间
很多已经搁置几个春夏秋冬了
会不会哪一天这样一个曾经丰富美满的花园被园丁给完完全全忘了呢？

如果我是园丁，应该会

ps:暂时来讲，不管我的英文比以前好多少，骨子里还是一个不折不扣cheena 的人

祝快乐

L2 Interesting Videos

Both of these videos are about homosexuality. View it only if you think you are ready for it. (orh, rest assured that there is no sexual explicit content)

This one is creative and funny. I guess it's fair use too?

This is very very creative. Very interesting piece.

You can simply take it as a musical piece, if you dont understand what is 377A. I am amazed that there are so many prominent people inside.


It's about human.

Hi friends

hello dear friends : )

I have been studying for few hours. One of the longest period I have been sitting and studying for this sem. Just let me blog anything I have in mind before I go to bed.

Today is a good day.

I've a rather short day and dined with my old friends since sec school. It just feels good to be with friends whom you been knowing him for so long n long n long...

I study a bit just now. The feeling of studying, not preparing for exam, is good too. It's the feeling of .... knowing more about the world we are living in. Rights? Freedom? Law?

It was also good to have a small little chat with a long-time-no-see friend. He's coming to singapore in Nov for short-term internship. Hope to see him soon. We might look not so different but deep down in heart, probably we are quite different since the last time we met. It was in my 17, if I am not wrong.

Well, and fyp, unfortunately is still one of the unavoidable element in everyday life for at least 6 more months. Haha... I am a bit lost again now. I guess that's the process of doing something so serious and deep and focused. Wish us the best~

and 'my man' (using my friend's phrase here) is persisting that he want to be with me no matter how hard it is. I am reading a very ... addictive book borrowed from another unique gal friend in school. It is related to relationship and life, I guess. And... a... what I am actually trying to say here? I dont know. Probably, we learn in the life-long lesson in the world as our classroom... we learn about love. we learn about life. while we are actually experiencing it.

be cool, guys and girls. be who you are. be brave to believe. and be smart to suspect? I need to learn hard for that very last point.

yup. regarding the air-time I am given at the moment. after... feeling ok with the machines and the basic flow of programme. I am now pursuing quality and texture of the air-time. 质感 in JJ's words. What is it about? How should people feel while listening? Why the show is worth for them to give up surfing net and listening mp3 but to tune in to me? I am still searching for the answers.

btw, i just knew that Mr Brown was invited into Wenhong's show on Sept11. They are cool to get ...... controversial people into their show. Jianwen Limei Wenhong, u guys rock!!

last, but not least, thanks for loving me, my friends. thanks for loving me, my dear parents and siblings. thanks for loving me, 'my man'.

wish u r happy today, friend.

无法言喻的简单的奇妙

今天 是学校的中秋园游会
幸运的 他们几经波折最后还是决定让我来插上一脚
呵呵

我心底知道 我的角色不能说小 但一点都不大
那些我们大家不知道名字的不去注意的幕后功臣才是主角
而来园游会的大家大家应该是。。。什么呢？
让我想一想 （陈绮贞的歌wo~)

嗯 我已经不再像中学那样有很多人认识了
所以 在人群中走来走去看看大家怎么做最后准备
那种感觉 很不一样了 这次我对那些准备没有责任
轻松很多 不过 看大家努力认真的样子
哗

节目哗啦哗啦过了
新的尝试自己感觉不到怎么样
不过耳朵听到的评语都还是还行的
如果你在场 有什么想说的 都欢迎

最棒的时候是遇到朋友
明翰 老大 梦夏
啊 梦夏的美 总是有增无减
跟她很久不见了
可是说话的时候 那种感觉 很赞
很真实 很内心
when people speak from heart, everyone can feel it...

we speak from heart

提到教练、贞琦、辛梦伟
那是一段自己几乎悄悄遗忘的过去
那是最后一段辩论的日子
没想到他们还在乎 我 一个在辩论上半途而废的人

梦夏说了一番很特别的话
她说，那时她和贞琦聊天
说起我一年级的时候，我在三分钟演讲里头说我想我的声音可以让很多人听到
而我真的执著的，做到了

我不敢说我做到了 （路还很长）
不过，我确实忘了我在他们面前曾经怎样分享自己了
我只记得，是在那间纵横社练习的辅导室里
我深刻的感觉到大家投射过来的眼光给我 满足感

突然想起王汀队长说的
当他真心去说的时候，别人会忽略他不那么流利的英文，他觉得 : )

: ) 那是一个特别的地方
一群人围绕着一些和自己还蛮远的话题聊着聊着
偶尔竟然会流泪、崩溃
多么真实

一辈子辩下去多好

最近在做毕业作品
其实偶尔大家深刻讨论的时候
亦有以前辩论时的感觉“嘀嘀嘀嘀”
嘀嘀 我似乎听到心里面那个雷达 觉得目标就在了 拼命强烈的响着

哈哈

do mo a li ga to ko sai mas ta

a note of thanks

thanks for asking, dear friend.

i guess you made a right choice not to ask me face-to-face
feel...... more comfortable to talk to u in a computer mediated way

what an era i live in

i will make it

i will

i will

a letter to mama

my eyes are already half shut. (i m sleepy)

i called. n i intended to tell you i cant make it for Mooncake Festival reunion this year as i m too busy here. but, you told me it actully falls on sunday, not saturday. oohh.. sunday it is, then probably i can make it. but i am not sure still.

mum, after talking about the mooncake festival, actually in heart, i was struggling whether to tell you i dont know what to do for my relationship. but, i didnt, at the end. you asked, anything else other than whether you are coming back? "yes it is mum." i hope i had said it.

the call ended. but i am deeply upset. it's very very sad that you have no one to ask and no one to talk to when you have problem. i dont know why in the world i can relate so well to many feelings of gays and lesbians might feel. hehe... am i pretending i can relate to them?

dear mum, good night. maybe i just want to be a happy daughter in your eyes. that's why i run away from posing my question to you.

and stupid enough, i want to be a happy gal in everyone else eyes. that's why i shut myself to think deeply about the problem i have in the day. and i try very hard to stop myself even shed a tear on it at nights.

you, cruel human being. what the hell way you are treating yourself...

truly respect anyone and everyone who is truly true to himself/herself. i know it's damn hard to do it.

mama. i wish i will hug u. i wish i will tell you how weak n how sad i m. but i am just not as brave as i hope to be. mama, i love u.

it's a game, he said. i will be fine eventually, i said.

i was a bit sad just now. but i m fortunate enough to read some friend's blog, chitchat with some friends that ease my sadness a bit.

"in the name of love" is a title of a film that i find it very nice.

in the name of doing fyp, we have been meeting people who are interesting. it's really great to know them. that's why i have been enjoying my profession in media, in the name of job, i always meet people whom i have never expect to meet, and i will never meet if i were not here in media.

while dealing with many many unfinishable tasks that will still come non-stop, i also need to deal with myself n some very personal problems. i announce to you dear, i will give myself few more chances n just a bit more time, n i will surely force myself to let go it if it still doesnt work out.

i used to give myself 100 chances in trying to be a dj. i m lucky enough that my 3rd trial got me where i m today. i wonder, if i really failed 9 times in a row, will i really continue trying till my No100 failure? probably, i wont.

i used to promise myself 50 chances to resolve the problem. hehe... but each time 1 chance got deducted, it really hurts. a lots. : ) so i will give myself a slightly easier life. just 6 more chances. n that will be it



in the name of love... ...

让我整理一下我自己

你觉得广播的意义是什么呢？
我的朋友发这样的简讯来问我
啊 多么难得一个题目

最近在读，在准备，关于我的fyp，一部纪录片
我们思考，我们做这部纪录片的意义在哪里？换句话说，目的是什么
啊 也是一个会让人死很多脑细胞的事

当生活不断重复，有点不由自主的时候
可能你会很期望遇到一些什么事
让你的生活有一些变数，有一些很久没有出现的火光

可是最近我的生活似乎充实到一个程度
在各种commitment与需要之间平衡
累的喔

相信世界上有很多人有比我更多的东西要平衡
所以我的直觉不断告诉我自己
我的抗压性太低了，加油哦
这些小事儿，我可以更轻松的面对的

每个人做广播，或者听广播，要找的，或者要给的都不一样
有的人想给你美好的听觉享受
有的人想给你丰富的时光
有的人想给你轻松简单的欢笑，因为他觉得大家的生活已经太那个了
: )

我呢，大概就追求以上我所提到的所有吧
想给你美好的感受、想给你一点微笑的小理由、想给你一点点资讯

大多数的人，觉得问为什么没有意义，不问为什么
小部分的人，觉得为什么是动力，所以问为什么
更少的人，非常知道自己要什么该怎么得到，所以不需要去思考这么复杂的问题

我问你朋友，你要的又是什么呢？你怎么去得到呢？

加油，my dear friend

L1 sept05 2008

"As far as oppressed communities go, I know what it’s like to be prevented from being who you are. It’s painful and psychologically unhealthy. People shouldn’t have to go through that."

- Claudia, American L

To be frank, I feel kind of lost after we settling on GLBT as our fyp theme (though i push for it so hard earlier on). But, I let myself feeling lost for awhile. I believe I will get through when time is ripe.

ahh... and, i feel this evening, time is kind of ripe for me. I google 'I m L' and came across the sentence i quoted above. the brave gal, whose mum organised anti-l events, enligthened me for her sheer courage to be true to herself, while hoping to help others in someway.

coincidentally, this week in docu class, the issue we were looking at is Ethics. I have been pondering how can I get the true emotions, the true picture of the gays community in our society without causing any harms to my interviewees. I have been feeling that I dont ve a good reason to persuade the people to participate in my docu. But, tonight, I found it.

It's simple. I felt Claudia had spoken for me. I do feel, strongly, that they shouldnt go through all these pains for being who they are. their family, relatives, bros, sis, n cousins, shouldnt go through pains n tears because they are homosexual people. If you think, things can be better, and you are willing to join me to try to make it a better place for our loved ones. Be with us. Be with me n my teammates, who want to do something to make singapore a slightly better place for GLBT.

We can never achieve it if we dont believe we can. Neither can we achieve it, if we only believe but have no action taken. I do hope that people will believe we can make it as I do, and, join us to make it happen. Even 1 person is benefited in some way, it is satisfactory. And, I am sure, very sure that, more than 1 will bring something back after seeing our docu at the end of everything.

Thanks Zihan for meeting us today. It has given me alot more than anyone can expect, including me. Thanks my teammate who are adventurously trying on this theme tgt. Thanks for e admirable supervisor we have.

This my very first writing on my fyp. I really feel that The Making of our FYP is certainly not less meaningful than our fyp, if not more. And, I sincerely hope that everyone who directly or indirectly involved in our project will take something home. Things will get better, if we dont give up and keep pushing it.

with love,
kai xuan

i love u, as u love me as who i am.

忍不住blog一下

呵呵 我在读reading 没有s的 因为只是众多readings中的一个 慢 不过舒服啦
刚刚在msn问妹妹 我做节目有没有听啊？ 我就忍不住想到 做节目真是一件self-sastifying 的事 因为突然想到在日本的弟弟如果要听到我的声音 online就可以了 啊 这样不是真的很好吗？ 喔~

今天我有生活到哟 我一面生活一面这样想
前几天的日子 都从清晨 一直要到凌晨12点才可以真正松懈下来
啊 昨天校园帮的2明就问我 你在放假？怎么有时间来？
: ( 你才知道啊 生活不容易啊

哈哈

无论如何 有时候觉得 记忆是一样好东西
不管多辛苦多不好的感觉 只要那一刻过去 我回忆的时候
绝大多数时候 都只想到好的
比如 有机会给大家听林一峰的专辑 （我的介绍是没有形容词可以形容的）
比如 帮人家念甜蜜的好笑的寄语等等

但是 我还是忍不住想起 星期一 安姐姐看见我
“凯璇……你有注意！！你的马来西亚腔还是会跑出来”
嗯 你能理解我的挣扎吗？ 我身边的朋友家人爱人需要感觉亲切的语言
我的追求需要我说本土风味的华语 革命尚未成功，我仍需努力

说回我的生活吧
今天 有冲凉 有在桌子上睡了30分钟 有洗衣 有洗鞋 有打扫
啊 这真是难得的生活…… ……

想念我吗？？很久没有看到我了吗？

我得到

这么巧 这是第201篇entry

8月31日 我和好友一起完成了我们的第一个10公里
我发简讯回家告诉他们我跑了多久
我也想发简讯家人以外最亲密的人，可是我们在一些尖上，我想他并没有兴趣知道，所以我最后没有告诉他。当他2个小时前问起义跑的事，我压根儿不想讲了

2。01分前 我做了决定
所以接下来 要很努力 很努力的好好过下去
投入在fyp 投入在节目中 投入在和自己的对话中
用各种各样的方式对抗我害怕的

加油，凯璇

废话，我一定会变更好很多倍
不用担心我
不过，想起我，别犹豫让我知道

: )

我得到做我自己的主人的权利
我等待我要的