30/12/2014 day02 我活在差异里

我活在时差里
电脑还是澳洲时间，快要10点了
Smart Phone是大马时间，就要8点了
Not-Smart Phone是柬埔寨时间，才要7点而已

这一天半对Siem Reap的印象就是
游客（外国人）改变了这里许多
所谓的market大部分在做外国人的生意

我的亚洲脸孔让我在外国人当中显得很本地
在本地人当中也相当外国
我的东西方背景，让我对西方文化在siem reap这样的乡镇成为主流特别敏感
我可以清晰地感受到这片土地因为悠久的历史古迹带来的旅游业而生机勃勃起来
同时也逐渐变色

我活在游客的世界和本地人的世界中的巨大差异里

宿舍的墙上张贴的说明这样写道：本地员工用第二语言为住客提供他们在家只能想像而无法拥有的舒适 "providing standards that they can only dream of at home"
我所居住的hostel组别的高端，而这样的环境竟已是为我提供服务的人can only dream of 的水平了

今天，见到创办kidtea学校的so phara。他说，他每个月补助来学校教学的本地人15美金
而我初次乘搭tuk tuk到学校的往返车资已是10美金*
我对围绕游客的经济活动与本地人的经济活动之间的巨大差异感到十分吃惊

我今天的感想是。未来的日子，不过是教学上，还是学习本地的文化、与本地人交流
都会有挑战
搞不好，我今晚是整个宿舍里心情最不放松的孩子呢
希望我今晚能睡得比昨晚更好
明天起来能够像今天一样幸运遇到本地人和我聊天
（昨天和在环游世界四个月中的加拿大人深聊）

晚安，世界



*计划明天开始骑自行车去（毕竟今天不可能自己找到路过去）

being away (4 more nights to go)

being away is luxurious

how should i put it. the benefits of moving away from the old and into the new and unknown is basically like you get to reshuffle the whole set of cards, and pick up what you want, rearrange things the way you would ideally like it. isn't it a luxury?

start from scratch, they say.

it is quite literal and figurative at the same time. atleast in our case, we literally have nothing and no one to rely on. we walked the streets to understand what were available there. we learnt from waiting, misjudgment, friendships that happened by chance (consider we do not have "gang" from school, work, religion, ethnicity or nationality), and pure chances and opportunities.

now we had moved for around 1.75 years. we still have yet to attach ourselves with any group of religion, culture, or nationality. when i sometimes felt the inexplicable need to join this group or that, deep inside me, i asked myself what does Malaysian (or Singaporean) really mean, and why do people want to be together simply because they came from the same country, even though their hometowns could be quite different to the extent that they didnt even speak the same language back home.

anyway, on a more superficial or practical level, i understand how your countrymen could bring you the familiar taste and dishes, and they could share with you the paths they had taken before you. i guess, the deeper question which i couldnt answer kind of just hindering me to take action to meet and join them.

on another level, the new friends we are connected with and comfortable with and even missing them, what connects us are nothing else but who i am, who he is, and who she is. i mean, his or her values, characters, strengths and weaknesses. we are not friends because we went to the same school or we moved from the same place. we are friends because i truly appreciate him/her as a person and friend, and he/she probably enjoys my company as much as i do with hers.

that's another luxury a new place brings. some new friendships established purely on the basis of who you are as a person, how you treat others, how you listen, how you ask, how you act and react. nothing else but me and you that brought us tgt.

being away of course gives you space to re-look at yourself, your life, and re-define what needs to be defined again. this is probably the biggest luxury of being away. as the people from the old place do not have enough information about your new environment, you get to move around freely, make your own decisions with next to zero worry about their expectations coz they have none. i worked jobs i had wanted to try but didnt get to previously. since i had been there and done it, i felt i had proved to myself that i can do it, now or later, here or wherever, as long as i set my mind to do it. i got to do volunteer work where i am still amazed every time i see colleagues give their time and expect nothing in return of their effort, sweats, and tears.



so, it is the 4th last night before i sleep alone in a foreign land where i dont actually speak their local language. i want to see if i can manage these weeks independently, responsibly, professionally, being cautious and open minded at the same time. hope my journey broaden my experience, my view, my capability. and i hope this is a start to something wonderful for the people around me.

being away is fantastic.

回家真好。家的演化

我还能说什么呢
回家真的很好

第一晚下飞机以后，虽然晚餐吃得比平时晚
但是吃到平时在澳洲不舍得吃的豆腐
还有平时在澳洲没机会吃的火锅
还是跟伦爸爸伦妈妈ty弟弟一起吃的
吃着的时候，好像分别的半年完全不存在
昨天刚刚一起吃过晚餐一样的感觉
真好

第二天一大早，我们6点多就出发去“老婆家”
我想起妈妈可能去做运动了，我们拐个弯
就去妈妈和其他阿姨们一起晨运的地方偷偷看妈妈
为了不要被她看见 ，我鬼鬼祟祟用长镜头拍她
还跑去车子后面躲起来，真好玩
然后趁妈妈小休片刻的时候，我直直地走向她
她一直面无表情的看着我走来的方向
等到我走近、挥手、出声叫她
妈妈才疑惑地说：怎么会在这里
妈妈的面无表情太可爱了。原来我平时傻傻的部分也是因为
我是妈妈的女儿啊

吓完妈妈。去买早餐。回到家。吵醒了翔弟弟“eh?回来了哦？”
吃完东西。有出发去立弟弟的菜点。他也一样惊讶地看着我

……

这次回来，老公发明了一个新词叫“老婆家”
我听了非常喜欢
老婆长大的家叫老婆家
外婆的家叫外婆家
爷爷的家叫爷爷家
老公长大的家叫老公家
以后我们有自己的家就叫自己家啦
这样说很多不同的家的时候就不会乱了

去澳洲快两年了，从两房的小单位
到住到变成好朋友的共屋生活
再到现在因为住着太多人而比较像住宿舍一样的共屋生活
我终于慢慢感觉，老公的身边就是“家”
不管地理位置是哪里
而老公家和老婆家永远是我们都很想回去的地方

……

我记不起来第二天除了快乐的早晨见了我家人之后都做了什么
第三天早晨，我们去老公从小吃到大的早餐店吃早餐
老板说，就快收档了，说起生意多难做云云
我知道，伦妈妈，伦，还有一家人真的都会很舍不得
不过，这样的失去真的是人生啊

我替他们拍了合照，我去把照片冲洗好。纪念很好的咖啡、烤面包、和半生熟蛋
以及所有因为食物而产生的连结和平凡而美好的回忆

……

下午，伦的小学同学18年后一聚。竟然神奇的聚到了20多人
还来了两位老师。好帅啊。我这个局外人难免有旁观者的心情
却真的很享受这种不用努力去聊，又可以陪着笑的舒服感受

我超爱最后一段，罗老师开了个头，要每个人都来报报自己的近况
老师先说起了，自己退休这几年都做了什么，度蜜月/旅游，工作等等
跟着所有的同学都有机会听所有的同学说自己都去了哪里混
预告一下明年结婚
这种在offline世界的status updates真的很好玩哦

……

我星期六就回家吃妈妈煮的菜、汤和所有食物
我总是吃得过饱，但，这也是理所当然的吧
不管是什么肉、什么菜我都好喜欢吃
然后我把所有的汤喝光。这是一定的

星期天，我们就去翔弟弟家玩（其实是做点传统的搬家仪式)
爸爸弟弟挂红布在门口。敲敲打打
妈妈和我就包汤圆。我负责聊天（运用我的专长啊）

下午和老公去商场逛逛
我们比较像“微服出巡”的心态
去看看我们的城市都变成什么样子了
商场里有什么店。卖多少钱
然后花了二十几块买了水果和维它精
我开玩笑说：“买健康，就要二十几块哦”

继续回家吃吃喝喝
我在家都没有贡献
就做这些
还有一直说话吧
一有人主动跟我说事情，我就很开心
谢谢三姨也特地留在我家等我陪我说说话啊

……

今天是星期一，又是冬至又是爸爸六十岁的农历生日
我们吃完早餐，红鸡蛋
就整理一下爸爸妈妈的upgraded主人房
然后又出门去大舅家吃喝
在然后和伦的小学男朋友们出门聊天

我因此拜访了今天才听说的新咖啡馆
和韩国咖啡师聊天。真好

回家。怎么会有不好的时候呢？
流水账一般地写下回家的日子
因为还有7天，我又要离开家
去没有去过的地方
做没有做过的事

一切小心
一切平安
愿我能以最开放的心态
感受并学习到对自己未来更有帮助的一些关于这个世界的事

谢谢你的阅读
谢谢你的祝福
谢谢你不喜欢我这样还是默默让我去
谢谢你鼓励我去也不断提醒我这不会是一场容易的旅途

请期待我更多地分享吧

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

今天在澳洲第一次找店家赞助

活动时queensland cancer council 的 relay for life
我负责的是一个小小环节的布置

这个环节是在癌症患者和他们的看护者完成
整个16小时接力活动的第一圈之后
享受下午茶

而我负责的是下午茶会场的布置
因为明年活动15岁了第一次搬到
市区附近的公园
主题又是Royal

所以往常没有的布置的会场
就变得需要布置了

今天第一家去的花店
是临时起义，决定去的
老板sally亲切的结果我准备的资料
表示花店每年都会赞助活动
要看看明年已经答应了多少
再让我知道

第二家，是我抱最大希望的花店
不过，结果是老板debby是最不友善的
她礼貌地说，乐意看我准备的资料，结果后
就继续用她的手机
虽说名字叫school of floristry
她对待我的态度很不专业呀

第三家去的，老板直截了当说
花很贵，如果有人付花的钱
她会贡献她的时间
很感恩啊

后来去布店。
第一家，看起来完全不对劲
看来只是卖晚宴服装的样子

第二家，是连锁店
店长不在
职员很亲切的答应转达

第三家，共花了我20分钟迷路过去
又15分钟迷路回家
让我受惊了
不过总算找到
虽然店里没有我要的货
老板亲切祝我好运
老板的店，看起来，后面是自己的住家
这样的生活，真让人羡慕啊

就这样，小小记录
今天勇敢行动完成的小事吧

所有的第一次
都是自己成长的机会啊

60岁生日快乐，亲爱的爸爸

2014年11月25日。你的60岁生日。生日快乐，亲爱的爸爸

小的时候，你是家里的英文专家，那时候我觉得英文好难，家里就是你一个人会英文。不知不觉，某一天，我超越了你。现在你说，你用英文写的呢，真的是写给我的吗？很难懂yeh

从前，你很暴力。伤疤，还留在每个人的身上。每次有人说起或者我自己说起从前家里那晴天霹雳的时刻，眼泪还是会涌入眼眶。这样的经历教会我，没有人，没有人是完美的。然而，你变化了好多，变得温柔，开放，享受当下。你的改变教会了我更多，这比你一直是完美无瑕来得更好，我想。

我爱你。

青春末期，我挣扎了好几天终于第一次对你说这三个字。我记得那时在学校，有位老师说，未来有一天你们会后悔的，如果你从来没有也再没有机会对爸爸妈妈说这个。我知道老师是对的。所以我挣扎了好多天。我记得，那份安静，在我站在篱笆门外对你说“再见，爸爸，我爱你”，而你站在门内，正把门锁好。你当时有什么感受？想着什么吗？不知道你还记得吗？
 

我好幸运。60岁的爸爸，你还在成长，每一天，每一星期，每一年。跟你在一起时，不经意的就被你感动了。你的想法有时比我要前卫和开放。你看电视时，还是百分之百专注，专注到不知道旁边的人在说你。这样的你真好。我好喜欢。

还有，从我认识你的第一天开始，你就和妈妈在一起。我如果没有错，今年你们结婚三十年了吧。感谢你对妈妈的好。你做得不够好的时候，你用你的方式请妈妈原谅。你用你充满爱的心，疼爱她。你现在也牵她的手走在路上。你们肩并肩走过了艰难的时期。失去某人的伤痛。对孩子的担心。你和妈妈，是我生命里一份很棒的礼物。这么多年来，你们在我身上撒下了一些种子，他们在我的人生里头会继续滋养我好好走下去。

谢谢你，爸爸。你救了我一命。

如果你还不晓得，像我之前说过，你的过失在其他人身上留下疤。我的过失也是。我必然让你好伤心过。那次，我觉得人生好难，结束它会是最简单的。不知道有没有直接告诉你这个想法。
我的记得你说，“熬过去”。事情会过去，熬过去就好了。因为这句话，我熬过去了。不然，我不会结婚，我不会在你60岁的生日给你写这些。谢谢你哦，爸爸

那，关于未知的未来呢？

我很喜欢“三”这个数字。所以我把一个九十年的人生砍成三段：1到30，31到60，61到90。根据我的分法，你就要跨入第三个三十了。听起来太长还是太短呢？

我在澳洲认识的60岁的好朋友，她和她的朋友们，在接近退休或已退休的年纪，看起来还是好有活力，还有东西想学，忙着做“终于有时间去做”的事。你的未知的未来呢，爸爸？
 

不管你决定怎么过，在哪里过，做些什么事情，我知道你的前进有一天会变成我的。如果你跟随你的心声，用你的方式过你的日子，那对你生命中的每个人都是非常棒的事情。
 

最后，我要谢谢你把音乐还有其他艺术带进我们的生活。谢谢你巨大的耐心和毅力。谢谢你的变与不变，还有不断得变化成更好的自己。谢谢你常常天真的正面，鼓励，悠哉闲哉，还有做白日梦地叫我们做这个做那个。你开一间自己的电台啊，你说了好多次。谢谢你对妈妈感恩和关爱。谢谢你那么简朴而知足地生活。谢谢你开车载着全家人在西马旅行两个星期。这永远会是我心中一次完美的旅行。
 

我祝你有一个更好的三十或更多年。你说，你不写书，你就活得像一本书。我愿自己能够久久地读着这本书。你好棒，爸爸。看看你自己对我们，对妈妈，对朋友，对家人，对自己做了什么。我爱你。生日快乐

happy 60th birthday, dear baba

it is 25 nov, 2014. it is your 60th birthday today. 生日快乐，爸爸
once, you were the English expert in my eyes, when i was a little kid, finding English really hard to master. one day, i just silently, unknowingly went pass you. you now said, you wrote in English, is that really for me? Very hard to understand leh.

once, you were violent, very violent. and the scar, unfortunately but also very realistically, logically, understandably, stays in everyone's heart. Tears still well up my eyes whenever someone in the family mentions or i mention the violent episodes happened. observing this, has taught me everyone, EVERYONE is not perfect. but you have changed to be so much better, so gentle, open, and being able to enjoy every moment now. you have changed from how you used to be to how you are now. it has taught me even more, compared to let's say you were perfect all the way.

i love you.

i struggled to said these three words to you towards my late teenage years. i remembered a teacher in school said that to the whole class, there would be one day you regretted not saying it when you could no longer say it in person to your parents, face to face. i struggled. but i did say it. i remembered the silence after i stood on the one side of the gate, saying "good bye, dad, i love you". you were on the other side. what were you thinking and feeling at that moment? do you remember, baba?

and i am so glad that, at 60, you are still growing, day by day, week by week, month by month. and i still feel inspired being with you. your thinking, sometimes more modern and open minded than mine. you still watch tv with full attention till you are lost in the show, and never notice we talk bad about you right beside you. i love it. i love you.

and all the time i know you, you have been together with mum. i think, it is your 30 th anniversary this year, isn't it? thanks for being such a good partner for mum, most of the time. you apologised when you were wrong. you adore her so much since you have the capacity to share with a heart full of love. you hold her hand sometimes now. and you two walked tgt, shoulder to shoulder, when life was not easy. the sadness of losing someone. the worry of close to lose a kid who had derailed. having you and mum in my life, i guess, has so quietly consistently planted some seeds in my life. it will helps me throughout my life whatever happened.

thanks, dad. you saved my life.

if you are not aware. like i said, your wrong doings left scar on others. so did mine. i am sure i have hurt you so much with what i did too. once, i was so messed up that i thought life was all too much, too overwhelming, and ending it could be the easy way out. did i tell you that? or i didn't?
and you said to me, hang on there. it will all be over. and life gets better if you hang on there.
thanks. otherwise. i wouldn't have hung on. i wouldn't be married. i wouldn't be writing today.
thank you. dad. 谢谢，爸爸

how about looking forward?

i am so obsessed with the number 3. i imagine a 90 years of life can be divided into three parts: 1-30, 31-60, 61-90. according to my segmentation, you are moving into the third and also the last 30 years of your life. Sounds too long or too short?

my 60 year old friend met in Australia, she is such an inspiration to me too. and her friends as well. at the close-retirement or retirement age, it seems like they still have things they want to learn. they are still very busy with what ''finally'' have time to do. how about your own future, dear dad?

i will be happy for you whatever you choose to do, wherever you choose to live, however you want to do it. because i am sure, if you move forward, so will i when i turn your age some day. it will be so good for everyone in your life if you are good to yourself, follow your own heart.

thanks for bringing music and other art forms into our lives. thanks for being a man with enormous patience, and persistence. thanks for changing and not changing and just simply learning and becoming a better self. thanks for being so naively positive and supportive and carefree and such a dreamer who keep asking us to be somebody. why not open your own radio station you once said to me. thanks for being grateful and loving to mum. thanks for living so humbly yet also contentedly. thanks for driving the whole family around west peninsular of malaysia in your van, that would always be such a perfect trip in my heart.

i wish you a even better 30 or more years ahead. you live like a book, you said to me. and i wish to read you like a book continuously my entire life. you are a great man, dad. look at what you have done to us, mum, your friends, your family, yourself. i love you. happy birthday.

说最近

这一年班上有两个女同学当妈妈了

真的，当妈妈了

今天，在咖啡店小我五岁左右，八月才结婚，已经准备当妈妈的酷师姐，听说也有好消息

今天，看到咖啡店老板老板娘结婚周年的自拍合照。老板说，自己娶到了美丽的、strong（坚强还是强大）、勤劳的太太，什么什么的。我读了挺感动的

我距离摆酒那一天(20120303)就快三年，法律上我结婚(20091018)超过五年了。我想我永远不知道，我和老公到底算什么时候结婚的。我什么时候算是老婆了？

在班上同学之中最早注册的我，这么多年都没有当妈妈，最主要的是亲爱的给我尊重，给我自由，让我去寻找我在寻找的东西。

来澳洲以后，生活脚步放慢了很多。从某种角度看，日子看起来可能比较苦。不过，心情上舒服很多。居住环境好很多。说不完的大自然。走不完的路。四季。完全不一样的文化。一样有各种各样的人。

在现在居住的小镇，有个"女皇公园" queens park。那里永远有幽静、或者小孩在玩耍、或者微风。我常常在这里看到很小的小朋友，三岁上下吧。可爱的笑容。身边的爸爸妈妈大多是和他们亲密的在一起。自然而然，慢慢地慢慢地，我就快要准备好了。

这个和我在新加坡图书馆看到的小孩是不同的，这里的比较傻。这我看到华裔爸爸妈妈公公婆婆对孩子是不一样的。比较多美，我看到。自然美，可以这样滥用形容词吗？

星期三，我突然陷入乡愁的幽谷。星期五我就病起来了。这几天，最好吃的就是老公煮的。这种时候，我们都彼此心里暗想，如果病的是他，状况会没那么好吧？老婆好像比较不会煮老公爱吃的东西。可怜的人。

我到底要说什么，想要说到什么点上去呢？

也许，没有点。就是整理一下自己的最近。

希望三十岁以前，做到一两件，自己觉得很棒的事吧

紫色天空已经消失了。就算还在，我的iPad还是拍不出来啦

13 oct 2014 在公园晒太阳的早上

印印要写一点

不要羡慕别人啦
毕竟，看起来很好的部分，每个人都有，都愿意分享
最忙、最累、最辛苦、最无助的时候，常常都自己战斗
或是至少不会高调去战斗吧

所以不管是我在澳洲小镇做简单工作
还是你在台北艺术大学浸濡
还是你住在空气好的校园学会自己开机车
还是你去念书
还是你能吃到我很久没吃到的东西
我还是不要羡慕比较好

羡慕自己吧
我有个真的很难得的伴侣
我赖床的时候有早餐
我工作很累的时候，有细心
他很会煮，我就很会洗
我们在一起9年多
结婚算要三年了
我学了很多。越来越少事情需要埋怨了
随便弄一弄，不好的小事就过去了
不必在乎不比多花力气的事，何必明知故犯了
就给爱、给关怀、给呵护
让所有都更简单更好就好了

突然，一个朋友的名字跳进脑海里
他所经历的，不知道我这辈子有没有机会经历
很多时候，我们觉得里所当让的法律、制度
觉得那是对我们好的
直到，它来到身边，甚至自身身上
我们才发现。不够好。不够好
为什么一个错误、或一个疏忽
要用两年多来判定是否存在
这件中的折磨，算是我们默许的制度吗？
是我们要的吗？
像赵明福的家人要经历多少得到一个高庭一个“驳回”
然后，还要在经历多一次，取得到“公正”吗？

移民、难民、失业者、家暴、残障、战争、军人
问题如此复杂。我们如此狭隘
一周一周的研究、试验室、公文、pleasing bosses
一餐一餐、一杯一杯的咖啡
我们就默默地觉得，我们无能为力
我们继续生活。
我知道后郁闷，郁闷后睡着，睡醒后上班

但是，在这样的日子当中
突如其来的邮包，里面装的是你的爱和你的祝福和一部分的你
我感动不已
但是，在这样的日子当中
突如其来的，看到你和家人去旅行了
在亲人抗病的时候、在你在战斗的时候

然后，我有突然很感恩
我搬了家
从新马搬来了这边广阔的土地
失去了所有的熟悉的过往
可是却同时，不可避免的，别无他法的展开了
各种各样的未来
住什么地方。做什么工作？
要带孩子去学hiphop、做义工、图书馆还是在公园躺在树荫下？
要培训咖啡师、学习辅导还是社工、又或human rights law？
我只知道，我的心，向着以上提到的群体
非常愿意为这些非常需要关怀、细心、机会的人提供什么
我们自己也是这样走过来的

我对于更精致的文化，并不热衷
对于被快速、高速经济发展排除在外的那个半个地球
城市外面的小镇、乡土
你隔壁家的受害者和被歧视者
我有怒。我感伤。所以我想这是我能够继续继续继续进行下去的事吧
同时，我知道我没那么，或者说还没那么强
所以，我需要去很多好人很多微笑的地方工作、去做义工
在他们身上沾染到平静、一切都可以过去、一切都可以解决
只要用爱，的那种。。态度。执行力。从容。缓缓而持久的力量

所以，10.20分了。我要去煮东西。和伴侣快乐地用餐
在工作的咖啡店看直排书写的台版中译日文书，啜饮一杯好咖啡
然后买很多微笑、很多鼓励、很多美好
然后回家。和伴侣休息
然后用赚到的钱实现自己和身边的人
钱除了用来给你温饱、给你实现更好的生活的一点点帮助、给不认识的陌生人一点点人道支援、给不认识的人一份爱、给自己换来一个微笑、拍一拍自己的肩膀说
你还是做的可以的
之外，没有什么别的用途了吧

我的亲爱的爸爸妈妈们，我的弟弟妹妹们，我的爱人，我的朋友
像荟说的，自己的作品，自己不喜欢，你说喜欢，我也没什么感觉
像韵说的，不会变成你们喜欢的我，而是我喜欢的我
像翔和立都在为了自己想要实现的未来去策划、去执行、去熬
像婷在和人生做朋友
我们都不必去羡慕他找到了伴侣、他回国了、他出国了。。。
我们都要和自己好好在一起。

忽然发现自己喜欢淞浦和王家卫之间的共同点

在做每周必做却并不能感受到乐趣的烫衣服时
突然间就蹦出来一个想法

看淞浦的书时，总是有“这样也可以写成书吗？”的感觉
我想他的魔法是，把所有人都忽略的小事，放大
让人在阅读时感觉到幸福和美好

王家卫的电影也很没有剧情，甚至没有没有起承转合
总是一件一句话就可以说完的故事
不过，却在看电影的时候，感觉到惊讶
看完后有“这样也是一部电影吗？”

想念自己的文化，和懂我懂的东西的人，和不懂不过愿意听我说的人

我在马、新、中居住过。第一次长期住在一个没有中文的国家。我的意思是，没有本地的、本国的中文文化。

而我的生活当中，说中文的老公是我和自己的华裔血统的唯一联系。他是唯一一位和我说中文的人，所有和华族有关的文化元素，如电影、音乐、书籍、节日、食物，只有他可能理解我的爱好。

当世界以这样的方式在面前展开，有时让人措手不及。像从尼泊尔去纽约念书的孩子。一开始感到新奇，对所有完全不同的思维、向人问候的方式、生活的态度、环境包括天气阳光和星星都感到为自己的生命添加了许多以前甚至不知到其存在的元素。然而，我正处于一个文化上感到饥渴的状态。同时，对本地人熟悉的电影、音乐、文学也还没有进入熟悉的阶段。不过，我想这是一个过程。最后，希望可以在两地、中西文化中游刃有余。

兄弟姐妹 Siblings

I am a lucky girl, with four younger siblings. We are all two years older from the next one. 

Growing up, we eat breakfast circling the dining table 5 o'clock in the mornings before school, six days a week. We eat dinner together, seven of us circling the dining table every evenings. I never ever thought this is not going to last long. 

No. None of us is sick or whatever. When I was 19, I left home to study. I was back home about 1-2 times a month. "Going home", I used to describe these journeys. Sisters was in their upper primary school years and lower high school years when I first left my family. They pretty much passed their teenage years without big big sister living at home.

And I never ever thought, not so many years after, my younger brother, who's two years younger, has bought his own house, where he and his partner are gonna live in and raise their own family in that house. And for me, I am living quite far away now, saving for a house for me and my partner as well. 

I never ever thought, breakfast together, all the chit-chats and laughter only lasted for the early 18 years of my life. I would have hoped it would be forever. But that is certainly just a big fat dream.

All I can see of them is from their photos and videos shared on Fb. All I can hear of them is from Skype or Line. All I can know more about how they are is through their Fb posts or blog entries. 

This is just one story of how many siblings and families in my generation live like. We are going around the world, pursuing what we think is valuable to us. We are staying together digitally. With a family group page or a family group chat on Fb or our mobile devices.

wild/random thoughts in 20 minutes

• business-minded me (to-be)

few weeks back, i suddenly have a burst of ideas of how i want to run MY bed & breakfast inn. the price range. the breakfast. the simple but functional room. and the people who will come to my b&b from all around the world... ... how to pamper employees..
also, running a cafe can be a part or separate business from b&b. ideas ideas ideas

then few days later. i thought about how i must pay myself well enough, my marvelous awesome employees well enough. SO, i have to learn about running a business. because ultimately, i m going to run it efficiently and profitable to keep it running. and keep this business as an inspiration to people involved in it, visited it, and myself.

• mummy me

once you are with someone close to 10 years, and married more than 5 years, you cant help but thinking about family. plus, honestly speaking, i can hardly explain to people how conducive Oz is, at least to me, for setting up your own family. kids study 8.30am-3pm, office runs 8am-4.30pm. with the gardens available in my little town, with the nature closeby, with the libraries and other infrastructure, incl. safety etc. it is simply conducive. it makes me wanna do more with my life. wanna dream bigger. learn more. be better.

and just yesterday, i saw a relaxed cool mum on the bus i took after work. the way she talked sweetly to her son, how she taught him "when the bus come to stop, 3, 2, 1, jump down (from the chair, because he was so short)." The bus driver waited people to stand up, walked to the door, alighted. the thinking of waiting a little bit more for the young and the old is something people naturally think and do. and i appreciate it so much.
***of course, not everyone does it. but the people who dont is something, you know, culturally unacceptable. while in malaysia and sg, we are so so fast. we take waiting as something extra, and people who do it are like saints (or "gracious" as we commonly described) instead of just being the way it should be

last but definitely not least, the importance of family, weekend, and relax in Oz culture is simply something no one wanna take it away from their lives, and their children's lives, their children's children's lives...

• still a lot of things i wanna do (may or may not be able to do)

i wanna write better. hopefully. get people out of my social circle interested in reading my views as well in years to come. thus i ve to just keep on reading, writing, and of course think
i wanna backpacking/couchsurfing to all 7 continents if i live long enough. with or without partner(s) with or without kids. while i am still not capable to, i shall keep myself updated with what's going on. keep understanding countries, people around the world more

next short term target, be a barista who makes great coffee everytime hopefully by the end of winter (coz cold weather is making our cafe so so so so so busy. it is tiring but it is definitely good training!)

1/13 三月：抵达

空间

居住的Dubbo市区边上有一条清澈的河流，河边有步道。步道就是不长草的黄土，不似新加坡步道的砖块或泊油铺成。清晨，或午后，有穿这运动服的男男女女沿河步行、或跑步锻炼。最美的，是一家人带着狗一起走着。有时不比狗儿高多少的小孩会和狗儿一块小跑步，非常可爱

乌克丽丽

我们居住的沙发客主人家有乌克丽丽，他是初学者，不过还是为我们俩露了两手，还很大方地把乌克丽丽借我们玩。乌克丽丽非常容易上手，四条弦，搞清楚如何看谱，随意播两下，就能伴奏或自弹自唱喜欢的歌曲。我们在租来的小房间弹，步行到河边弹，也在Skype弹给远方的妈妈听
即使弹得不好，相信当时妈妈的心中也和我一样有些感受

灯柱。阳光

这里的灯柱是一整块木头做的，新马的是水泥做的。这里的阳光照射的角度让赤道上长大的我觉得陌生好玩。日正当空的时间似乎很短，大多数的时候太阳都从45度角左右射过来。有时太阳斜射我的眼，有时阳光让照片变得很好看。一次，放了一堆番茄在家中的落地窗旁，强烈的阳光斜射番茄们，形成了对比非常大影子非常暗的好照片。

二手店

因为澳币对一个马来西亚人来说，很大。没有任何东西对我们来说是便宜的。市中心的商场旁有一家红十字会(red cross)的二手衣服商店，里面也卖一些小商品、书籍、瓶瓶罐罐等等。后来我们也发现一家救世军的(salvation army)的二手店里面有更齐全的厨房用具什么的。我们开始享受购买这些“被爱过的”商品(pre-loved)。我买过两个很有特色的陶土的杯子，一个已经被我摔坏，再也找不到相似的了。

australia produce。7am-3.30pm的咖啡店

在超级市场里，一开始连盐在哪里都找不到，几乎放弃前还是找到了。不过最令我惊讶的是一个绿色的牌子到处都是，清楚写着"Australia Produce"澳洲农产品。到现在也还没弄清，澳洲人是如何开始这么注意并且支持本地的农夫们的。街上有一家位置很好的咖啡店，在市中心的中心位置，一边还是步行街道（没有车）。那家店早上7点开到下午3点半而已。我很惊讶，竟然有人这样做生意的，非常希望自己有机会在这样一家帅气的起早八早打烊的咖啡店打工。
一直到搬离Dubbo后，我才有机会去那里坐下来喝杯咖啡。因为在Dubbo的日子非常节俭，连喝杯咖啡都觉得奢侈不应该



接下来，
图书馆的在我们两个新移民的新生活中会越来越重要……

3

3 -

1 is it easier to live what you love, or love what you live?

she interviewed me.
she asked, so you work in team before?
she asked, do you intend to stay here for long term?
she asked, do you have anything to ask me?
she said, i guess this is good enough for today.

those who write column articles.
these who do radio hosting.
we who want to advise someone abt something.

we tend to portray a beautiful scene out of the reality mixture with goods & bads.

2 after coming from a stroll

i guess to answer my question.
i just have to love (a little bit) what i live till i live what i love.

written mid 2013

beginning of a (hopefully) series of 13

maybe it was a really great weekend spent
felt superbly energized after getting my self-made mocha this morning

having lots of thoughts and feelings in mind and heart
thinking about writing about my first 12 mths in Oz
there is only one first for everyone in anything
and first year in Oz must have made a lot of changes in me

sometimes,
i wonder, with more and more people posting and writing
who's reading
when i write, is it to help me think, help me remember, intend to be useful to someone else or... simply trying to say i am different

anyway, i guess, like my sis Yun shared with me last night something i shared with her previously
according to her, i said, dont think beyond what's necessary
some parts are just never think-able or imaginable so there's no point thinking TOO MUCH

hmm... that sounds like something i would say, doesn't it?

thus, let me start my Mar 2013 look back now.

18-28-38

去年，在寻找工作的过程中有个认识自己的练习。（详情请阅What color is your parachute?）认识自己的练习当中的第一部分是写自己的十个身份，然后从当中找出任何共通之处。

Last year, while i was searching for jobs, there was a exercise i did about discover/knowing oneself. (For more details, pls refer to What Color is Your Parachute?) First step to know oneself was to write down 10 identities, then find what are the elements in common.

以下是我当时写下的十个身份：audio lover音响爱好者（声音、广播、音乐）、reader读者、traveler旅者、slacker懒者（在河边散步、慢慢旅行、慢泡好咖啡）、姐姐、good/caring person、learner学习者、activist活动者、France Culture Explorer法国文化探索者、Jogger跑者

Below is a list of my 10 identities written down: Audio lover (sounds, radio, music), reader, traveler, slacker (strolling by the river, travelling slow, making good coffee slow), sister, good/caring person, learner, activist, france culture explorer, jogger. 

说以上是18岁以后慢慢发展成的自己不为过。包括当姐姐这件事，在弟弟妹妹进入少年时期，姐姐的身份才进入另一种层次。再也不可能也不该是由上往下的那种训导。更多是平行的交换。我想接下来的人生，如果都能享受这种平行的交换，那会是非常美好的事。

It is not an overstatement to say that i have developed these identities since 18 year-old. Even the matter of being a sister. It was during the teenage years of younger bros & siss when I find being a sister has evolved into something different. One cannot and should not advise younger ones top down anymore. Instead there's been a lot more horizontal exchange. i hope for the rest of life, i will be able to enjoy this horizontal exchange with my ever growing & maturing bros & siss.

今年28了。（在我心中，以今年减出生年份最直接，所以我的年纪是从1月1日算起的）
刚好离相隔十个月后回家还有十天。刚好今天心血来潮。来想想38岁时的自己的十个身份该有哪些。

This year, I am 28. For it is 10 days away from being home again after 10 months. For i have the muse to write down the 10 identities i hope to own when I age 38. Here they are.

French Reader & Movie lover 法文文学和电影爱好者
Yoga as exercise 练瑜伽的人
Amateur photographer 业余摄影者
Reader 读者
Volunteer/Social activist 志工/社会运动者
Amateur writer in Chinese & English 业余写作者
Barista 咖啡吃
Learner 学习者（希望届时已学会基本Graphic Design、哲学、教育等现阶段感兴趣的事）
Music Lover 爱听音乐的人
Good person 好人

以上十个身份是需要去慢慢磨出来的，而一些身份它将自然而然产生，也十分期待
妻子-母亲-姐姐-女儿-阿姨-姑姑-好朋友

For the 10 identities above, which i find them not much different from the current 10, yet there are still lots and lots of effort to be made. I look forward to some other identities that will naturally occur from time to time. Wife-Mum-Sis-Daughter-Aunt-Good friend

放在自己从开始到现在一直在经营的博克上。希望38岁的自己能完成以上所有的事

This note is posted for the 38 year-old self on a online space i have farmed and will continuously farmed. How many of these will i achieve when i am 38?