宠

宠物是属于某人，依赖于某人的一种生物。属于和依赖表示了一种地位与能力上的不平等。在生存上，许多宠物没有了主人的照料，会活不下去。然，在精神上，主人往往是依赖者。在与宠物相处的时光，人找到快乐和意义，还有避开了寂寞（solitude）。

宠爱的对象是某人有求必应、盲目相信、保护袒护的对象。你大概在这个对象的身上看到一份真、善或美。于是欣赏。于是对他的小小愿望在乎并尽力实现。于是对想要打击质疑摧毁他的人更加敏感，可能过度反应，阻止，在他感受到一丝伤害之前。

我们人类可以有宠物，一旦有宠爱的人，就被认为是不理智的。你可曾宠爱？可曾被宠爱？

在宠爱自己的人面前，你觉得你不再只是你自己，你大于你自己，在他的眼神和声音里，你看见可以去实现所想所要的那个自己。

在宠爱的人面前，我们觉得更接近真正的美。宠你和爱你和盲目和袒护都是因为世界不那么懂你的美。所以我默不作声，不为你申辩因为他们不重要不必理会。所以我为你发声，因为那些自认为你好的人并未看见你的挣扎，听见你的感受，触碰到此时此刻的你（他们拥有的是过去的你，想着的是未来你的你）。

宠爱的和被宠爱的人在彼此面前也不是完整的自己。你宠爱的是这样的他，而他遇见的是那样的你。一日宠爱的那份美消失，宠爱的关系也会消失。

http://pinterest.com/pin/128493395588565994/

After the last hour of my ufm 100.3 time --27 Jan, 2013

Chronologically speaking, these are what happened...

2 very thoughtful gentlemen have invited me to dine together. We were sitting at the kopitiam across the road, opposite SPH building, eating & chatting. They jointly paid for my dinner, as they said this was my last day. As they were really thoughtful & playful guys, they allowed me to pay for their drinks so I wouldnt feel bad for their treat. Among these 2 师弟 (juniors) in ufm (simply bcoz they r younger), GH shared the most, on & related to 100.3. Lots of questions I have no answer to them, or never even asked before. Going to take over my part of hosting, CY had responded modestly with humour, he seemed taking this as a playing time, and just wanting to have fun in radio hosting. We said goodbye, and we also wished each other doing very well in our different endeavors between now and the next time we meet. Jiayou.

Deprived of my sleep the night before, as I had too much fun with old friends. I was sleepy then & I took a cab from radio station to checkpoint. You may think I must be feeling emotional, but I was too tired and did not think abt that. Just listening to the radio music of the cab. The cab fare cost over $21. I walked, took bus, then appeared at the other end of the causeway, waiting for my dear super-nice brother to pick me up.

I was home. I finished the very last bowl of my mum's wonderfully delicious black bean soup. With contentment & happiness of being together with bros, sis, parents, I went to bed with younger sisters in laughter.

That's how life is. It never happens the way you expect it to be. No. I didn't cry. Yet I did "give me five" wt my 师弟s, promising them, they will hear my podcast. No. No more weekend hosting. No more colleagues in 100.3 but friends. No. 师兄,师姐 (seniors) in radio stations will never have to tell me off again. Haha. 

Thanks my dear friends who very willingly appeared in my last few episodes to make me not feeling the sadness of an ending. It has ended, merrily, cheerfully, with you joining me.

Thanks my dear friends & sis who tuned in, some for the first & last time. Thanks for your love & support. Your attentive listening is very, very, very appreciated. Without attentive listeners, radio hosting is less fun & meaningful.

Let's bid farewell for now. Hear me some other days, other ways

wt love,

kaixuan

那不是你真正想要的

某日，晨。我心血来潮，对有栽培之恩的老大WH说：我一定会开成我的咖啡加书店，到时一定想方设法告诉你，请你来坐坐。回应我一番热血，老大只说了五个字：haha……好。一定。

Cow Bookstore @Tokyo

昨日，夜。Looon在说关于寻找自己真正的热忱。我说热忱也许不是我实现梦想与否的关键，我认为关键在“那是不是你真正想要的”。

Looon说自己是个喜欢教人的人。曾经在当补习老师的期间感受过一股热忱。按照Looon的理论，两股动力足够推动你一直往前走。“教补习的时候，第一股动力就是喜欢教人。第二股动力来自于看到自己的学生从不及格到拿到好成绩，那种看到了成果的满足感。”我回应，我确定我做广播的时候也感受过这两股动力，不过，也许成功的关键每个人不同。也许我的那一个关键不叫做热忱，叫做“是不是真正想要的”。

回望自己走过的路，我的确没有确定过“做全职deejay是自己真正想要的”。如果是，毕业以后，可以不顾一切，去电台实习，不计较薪水多寡，不管贷学金怎么还，只要踏出那一步，一定就像他们一样，最后也会被签下来的。吉隆坡的机会也一样，没有积极去把握。所以，追根究底，不是时机，不是“没有缘分”，没有把“做全职deejay是自己真正想要的”事确定下来，所以做不成功。

所以，我认识到自己是这样的一个人，我可以选择突破我自己，或是继续平淡下去。我可以继续以目标为方向，享受一路风景，不管最后是否抵达目的地。或是我一定要走到目的地，无论如何，都要到达。

我想，我的心里面对下一个梦想已有了选择。