morning Pages + creative Expeditions + Highlights (The Artist's Way of Parenting by Julia Cameron)

60 more hours before Leila turns 22 months old.

This is, a lot of time, how I see my time. Maybe, in time, this perspective of time and life will change. Maybe it won't.

The last time I read anything on parenting was probably over two months ago. That was when I heard a lot of NOs, it just kept coming every day. So many of NOs. Can't remember which books I borrowed and read. But I remembered after that "read to survive" attempt, I was motivated, and intended to give Leila some new activities to try. Painting. More puzzles. Let her be messy. Ask her choices as much as I can (which shoes to wear? shall we go for a walkabout? etc).

I guess, after the recent tsunami election in Malaysia, after taking a break on getting parenting insights, after Leila's language ability has just leapt into the next phase, (forming short sentences, and describing things happened in the past), and going into a phase where my more creative, liberal, artistic other half is going to stay home and accompany her daily lives, three days a week; I decide to explore what else could I do more or less next?

This book, which I only started yesterday, and finished about one sixth in 30 minutes, it hooked me right away by describing the most difficult time right after the birth of my child. The disconnection from your "old self" and the world as you have known it, is ... isolating.

Julia has shared that stage and her feelings so accurately, so painful and emotional for me to read it,

And I believe she discovered the three Basic Tools through her own experience as a "writer with a child".

Morning Pages - writing 15 minutes a day. Preferably before starting the day. Ideally in one go. 

this is a private conversation with yourself. say anything you want. exhaustion. guilt. desire. despair. anything. and don't share it. apparently, it will help gives you clarity, and energy to face the day.

creative Expeditions - a weekly planned Fun.

depends on the child/children's age. they are welcome to take charge of this planned fun. it can be going to the museum or going to the socks shop. but Fun is the main thing. Beach. or Concert. or Aquarium. Anything.

through these Expeditions, the idea is you share your interests with your child/children.

Just so happened that, last night, Leila finished watching Andy's Prehistoric Adventure. She said to me, "Go where? Adventure." She was telling me she wanted to go for her own adventure. Daddy was cooking dinner, I decided that we could put on our winter jackets and shoes and see what 21 months old Leila's adventure is like? Turned out, she had no idea what she wanted to do. I made suggestions, she was happy enough to work with them. I had to insist she had to WALK on her adventure, not to be carried nor piggy back. I had to give her all the time she needed to walk the next step. But, it turned to be a wonderful time, just try to walk and play along the way. When was the last time we did this?

It was unplanned. Yet, it turned out to be pure fun and real relaxing. She did her adventure by walking 90% of it. It's great.

and honestly, I do not think I am up to weekly extraordinary planned fun, like a new place or new adventure. but monthly will suit me. every week, we are already doing lots of fun things, playgrounds, plus visits to library and places such as beach or park. But, to keep in mind, using a planned fun expedition to relive my interest and explore with my child definitely going to make a positive difference to our time tgt.

Highlights - asking each other the favourite of the day

the idea is to incorporate sharing about the Favourite part of the day with your child/children, do it as part of the bed time routine.

I would love to do it with my partner too, really. Apparently, having this "Highlights" talk is a daily check-in that not only connects the parties. It also helps each of you looking your own life a bit differently. Thinking what I am going to share with my kid end of today?

For the creative children we have, and the hope that they stay creative growing up, let's give this a try.

How alone we are, I am

"This clothe. She can still wear it when she is one." the nurse commented when we showed her the clothe we brought for our new born to wear in the ward.

I looked at a photo of Leila on my wall along the hallway just now. And her comment just popped up in my mind.

In the photo, Leila has a rather neutral expression. It shows neither happiness nor sadness. Just a "blank" emotion. Sleeves of her onesie folded up twice. So were the pants. She was lying down flat, therefore it was probably taken before she could sit upright around 5 months old. She did wear that onesie till one year old I think.

And, recalling all these just reminded me how alone I was, or we are, depending if you see pregnancy of a matter of a woman or a couple. We had some hand-me-down clothes from friends of similar age. But, I had not seen any family member the entire time I was pregnant.

I went home in Oct to attend my younger brother's wedding. Had my last period the day I boarded the plane. I had been trying for more than 10 months then, and I remembered calling my husband who did not travel back with me, announcing the period had come and felt disappointed. Once back to Melbourne again, we got lucky and I found out I was pregnant in the month after or so.

So, it might be the plane and the last period or something else at the back of my mind. I chose not to fly if not necessary during the entire pregnancy. So, none of the family members from either side see me when I was pregnant. Husband flew back to Malaysia in Dec. His mum, dear aunty whom he's so closely bonded with, and him, they went out together to buy me pregnancy wear while I was not present. It was very special, to choose my outfit over WhatsApp.

Fast forward to a much later stage of my pregnancy, Husband and I went to our favourite Japanese store to buy clothes for our baby. We had no idea what all those numbers mean. 70cm? 0000? WHAT? Being comparatively significantly physically more petite than the average in Australia, we still did not think our baby could be the smaller one among the smaller ones. Long story short, she was born within 5th percentile at full term. That meaning, she was among the smallest, lightest five percent of all new born babies. Well, we really did not know.

I do not know how many of you experience a "solo" experience without even realising it until much later. We did not think. I did not think we were doing it alone. No grandparents giving advices. No uncle or aunties to even explain what those sizes mean. Anyway, we came all the way through to here. Kind of alone. Until I had met the daddies and mummies through an organised effort of the local government. To me, able to meet new daddies and mummies in my neighbourhood is a great blessing. So does having a maternal child health nurse who visited my baby and I, then followed through our parenthood till around the 18 months mark. Because, I have no one to even ask the most inconsequential question. What are mittens? Oh baby gloves? Where do I get them? How many do I need?

It is the way it is. Ready for, hoping for having a number 2 at the moment. I still have not figured out why I would not fly during my pregnancy. But I would hope, if we have a second chance, I hope my parents, or some of my family can see me when I was growing bigger and bigger, quite literally. And maybe feel the kicks in my tummy. I hope.

5 of the many things I have learnt from my baby Leila

1. Move on.

There are hard times. Very hard, sometimes. Mostly, it is a result of me not wanting to cooperate with her. Today, I struggled to put her to nap for almost 2 hours. And I felt resentment in me. And I was conscious of being resentful to this beautiful person because she did not want to fall asleep my way (without breastfeeding I somehow decided today).

The main thing is, though, when she woke up from her nap. The way she woke up, opened her eyes as usual, trying to understand where she was, recognised me, and smiled to acknowledge. And, above all, she did not remember a thing of what had happened before nap. Wonderful. 

When you do not remember, it is so easy to just move on. Isn't it, Leila?

2. Everything can be interesting. 

Everything. Caressing the pavement adults deem dirty. Scratching the crack where dirt stuck and moss grow. Buttons. Zips. Cables. Sticks. Leaves. Of course.

If I place something in her sight for the first time, even if I hide it behind something else. She always sees it, gets it, plays with it.

How have we forgotten how to be interested in people and things? We used to be so curious. All of us. I want to try to see everything she sees and finds it interesting. What a luxury to observe her observe.

3. It is both nature and nurture, the selves we are.

There are movements she likes to do, raising her feet high up and dropping them down. She does that since she was only 2 or 3 months old maybe. She chooses to wave hello to some people without being prompted. She likes to mingle with the toddlers. She likes to stand, and starts walking independently before 10 months old. These are her natural self. 

I do not know which part of her natural self has already been diminished by me as I certainly have not intended to do so at any time in any way. But I could have imagined elders in my extended family would have commented "this is too dangerous", "that is too unhygienic", if they have been around to see how she has developed through all these messy or dirty play.

I hope, I can nurture her to enjoy music and reading. I hope, she keeps on showing me how "self" evolves. And I hope she can be very happy with herself, happier than I am with myself, down the road.

4. Persist. And you will get there.

This might be common sense. But witnessing how she conquers every challenges, persists and always get a new skill eventually. It is very inspiring to witness how she single minded-ly focuses on what she wants to do. Try and fail. Try again and fail. Try again until she no longer fails. If, only if, I can persist on like this, I can be anything I want to be. 

5. Rest, get you further.

Have you heard of burnout? I just heard it over the television yesterday. The show was discussing burnout cases in medical professions. Your doctors and nurses who cannot cope emotionally, physically, or both.

On my journey of motherhood, I guess I was probably on the brink of burnout. I was feeling that I cannot cope being a mum 24 hours 7 days a week. No predictable time for myself at all. And I made the decision of enrolling Leila into childcare for one day a week, which she has not spent more than 6 hours in a roll so far. The last session of over 5 hours did not end well. I felt she had too much stress being away from me for "too long".

Anyway, this predictable rest, for me to breaths the air just for myself and with myself, is immensely helpful. I do not think I can cope without making this change. I want to say this. Helping Leila to have nap and night sleep is essential, as I can always tell she is happy after she rests well. The same rule applies to me, and to most of everyone I believe. Rest, people. Rest. 

Rest, get us further. 


Last but not least, if there is one thing, we shall learn together. That is...

Leila almost never stops. If she does not move, she might be pooing. Maybe, this is because I hardly stop either. Do nothing for a second is rare for me. If we are not moving, we are seeing, or we are thinking. Doing nothing for at least a second. I shall try. And, maybe she will get to do nothing even better than I am.


***writing this post to celebrate the existence of Leila in my life. The past 11 months she has taught me a lot. It is beautiful to be her mum.***